My Best of 2015

I'm in love with the idea of living perched in that happy in-between space occupied by year-end “Best of” lists. You’ve got the joy and sense of accomplishment of looking back at good things that happened, while looking ahead with this vague sense that maybe more amazing things will happen next year. All the while mentally shutting the door on all the stuff that did not make that "Best of" list because most of the year likely was not a demonstration of the best of you or really anything...it was just life.

You’d think I might be excited to say goodbye to 2015 - it is the year I got laid off, after all. That whole experience could have ruined my year, but it really didn’t. I’m happy to say that my quest for new experiences, supercharged by my 40 by 40 list, has created a stockpile of amazingness that even losing my job could not deplete. I have so much for which to be grateful. So here, organized loosely on a scale of “I love that I got to do that” to “I’m eternally grateful that happened,” are my favorite experiences of 2015:

10. I went to SXSW Interactive!

It’s unusual for a work trip to make the list of my favorite things, but this was such a great experience. What an awesome place with smart people doing cool stuff everywhere - so much inspiration per square inch. Plus, I got to attend with two coworkers that I didn’t know would no longer be my coworkers just 3 short months later, which makes it both bittersweet and even more special in retrospect.

Jimmy Kimmel at SXSW.

9. I met Mary Karr & Mary Louise Parker!

It’s not like I actually got to hang out with either of these amazing ladies, but I did, in fact, get to meet them and attempt to absorb some of their creative energy in those 30 seconds. Truth be told, I went in the most starstruck by MLP, but I left with the most admiration for Mary Karr. So funny and poised and genuine. But really, more important than the actual meeting is that when I learned of this book event back in July, it was like a beacon in a fog of anxiety and uncertainty about the whole finding to find a job thing. It was a risk to buy tickets to an event in LA when I was sitting in Minneapolis without a job, but I needed something inspiring at that moment and it turned into an amazing trip with my husband, which included me turning into a blushing schoolgirl upon meeting two women whom I fiercely admire. (Plus, were it not for this trip, #6 would not have happened!)

The Marys talking about writing.

8. I got my favorite tattoo!

When I originally added “Get another tattoo” to my 40 by 40 list, I didn’t know what I wanted to get for sure. But when my mom said she would finally go get the tattoo that she’s been talking about for a decade - my name on her arm - I knew I wanted the names of my boys somewhere I could see them every day. And with the help of a talented artist at Jackalope Tattoo, I now have my heart. And it’s perfect.

My heart.

7. I got my travel certification!

As part of getting laid off I had the opportunity to get free training. I thought maybe I could parlay my technology experience into a future in the travel industry, but I didn’t have any travel experience other than my personal travel planning addiction, so I did some research and learned that there is an entry-level certification that gives you the basics about the industry. Thinking this could help me land a job, I was able to enroll. What I didn’t know is that A) I would love this course, and B) it would actually teach me that it might not be so crazy to think that I could someday make a living planning trips (not just working for a big company that makes travel software). As I write this, I’m in the process of getting set up with a host agency so I can begin moonlighting as a legit travel agent. It remains to be seen if this is a life-changing event, but it’s pretty awesome either way.

Thanks to my travel course, I learned about the Tiffany card system, which is how airline reservations used to be made! (Photo from the NWA History Centre)

6. I met Brian Henson!

This is a big fucking deal. I know that he didn’t personally birth the Muppets, but the Muppets are essentially his siblings. Henson blood runs through his veins. Plus, the fact that we just happened to meet him in his office while getting a tour of the Henson Studios made it even more incredible. He sits at the same desk his father used. I was in the presence of greatness. (And he was really nice!)

Not Brian Henson.

5. I ate the menu degustation at Joel Robuchon!

I’d been talking about this dinner forever. The 16-course menu! Chef of the Century! Las Vegas! I don’t remember when I first learned that it existed, but it had become a goal worthy of my 40 by 40 list. With the help of my friend Rachel, I decided to make this dream come true this year for my 38th birthday. I had no idea I would be laid off the next week, but I'm so glad I got to have such a decadent experience right before the axe fell. From the purple velvet booth to the dessert in the form of a window box with tiny edible flowers, it was perfect. Definitely a meal that I'll remember for a lifetime.

The cutest damn dessert.

4. I did 12 Hours in Vegas!

When my plot to squeeze in a beach vacation before starting my new job was foiled by my children, who didn't want to miss school, my husband and I took advantage of cheap red-eye airfares to Vegas with a plan to tackle sin city in a 9am-9pm whirlwind. We pretty much did everything we'd normally do in Vegas (gamble, drink, gamble, eat, gamble) but on a compressed schedule. It was a fun little adventure that I'd definitely do again if the price was right...though I'd much prefer to stay a few days. 

The best.

3. I went to Pastry Bootcamp at the CIA!

I can hardly even believe it happened this year, but back in February, I jetted off to New York to achieve my 40 by 40 dream of attending pastry bootcamp at the Culinary Institute of America. I spent a whole week in class with a real French pastry chef teaching me to make eclairs and tiramisu and, of course, the 3-day croissants. If I could be a professional culinary student, I think I would. It was so much fun and such an unusual break from my ordinary life. Plus, I now have my very own chef whites!

My croissants!

2. I took an Alaskan cruise with my family!

Another 40 by 40 item list...well, two actually: Take a cruise and See the glaciers in Alaska. What a fantastic way to experience both! I loved everything about all of it. The ship, the water, the casino, the glaciers! I even liked being confined to a small space with the people I love most in the world. But if I was making a top 10 list of memories from that trip (and I totally could), #1 would definitely be dogsledding on the glacier in Skagway. The helicopter, the dogs, the scenery, the feeling of being at the top of the world...AMAZING.

Dashing through the snow!

1. I got to have a summer home with my boys!

I won't list being laid off as one of my favorite parts of 2015 because it was really hard and I still think the way it all went down was really callous and stupid. BUT, I will tell you that I believe I will look back and know that it was all for the best...starting with the fact that my unemployment started in June, which meant that I got a lot of unexpected time to spend with my boys when they are just on the cusp of not wanting to spend time with me anymore. And I'm really grateful for that.

This is a generic summer photo from the internet because I didn't have one of my own.

I just realized my list spans the four edges of the United States, which I think is super cool and fitting, as I do feel like I've been all over the place (physically and mentally) this year. Things change. Life is good. Life is even better when you have something to look forward to, and it's up to you to make that happen. Bring it on, 2016.

Happy New Year!

12 Hours in Vegas

Once upon a time, a girl was unemployed. And almost as much as it bothered her not to know where her next paycheck would come from, it bothered her that she couldn't use all this "free" time to travel!

This girl vowed that when she finally found a new job, she would fit in a beach vacation before that job started. She just wanted to feel the sun on her face and enjoy the freedom of vacation one last time before jumping back into work.

Then one day, the job offer came and she rejoiced! We're going on vacation! I've got it all planned! The beach! The sun! Just a quick trip to renew my sense of joy and adventure, she said. But alas, the girls' children did not agree with this plan. School! They cried. We have school! And so the girl resigned herself to the fact that there would be no last-chance, don't-have-to-take-vacation-time vacation.

Until one day when really cheap flights to Las Vegas appeared...but wait, the return flight left at midnight...and it became clear what she (and her wonderfully supportive husband) must do...

12 Hours in Vegas

6 a.m. CST: Leave our house for the airport. It took hours to figure out what one wears when there will be no hotel and you must gracefully transition from morning flight to nice dinner.  I finally settled on black.

7:40 a.m. CST: Board flight. This is going to be the best day ever!

9:22 a.m. PT: Arrive! Air travel is magical!

9:55 a.m. PT: We are entering Planet Hollywood. Life is a dream. I am here to drink mimosas and play Britney slots. I get out my handy dandy players club bracelet (DIY) and get serious about having fun.



10:32 a.m. PT: Britney was a bust but I now have "3" stuck in my head. We have discovered a new Monopoly slot machine with a giant wheel a la Price is Right. There is also a crazy Big Bang Theory machine. Who makes these decisions? How do I get THAT job?

10:51 a.m. PT: We are on the Strip, determined to do the next thing on my list: Have the breakfast martini at Bound in The Cromwell. Sure, they probably didn't actually intend for it be had for breakfast, but this is my best day ever!

10:56 a.m. PT: Bound doesn't technically open for 4 minutes, but I am so enthusiastic about the breakfast martini that the bartender doesn't mention it.



11:00 a..m. PT: The drink has orange marmalade in it! It's amazing and I feel classier than anyone has ever felt drinking martinis before lunch. Also, The Cromwell is nice...I make a note to stay here sometime.

11:22 a.m. PT: OMG, they brought back the Family Feud slots and you can play Fast Money!!!!

11:39 a.m. PT: We are headed to the oasis known as Margaritaville. My plan is to sit on their rooftop patio and eat a Cheeseburger in Paradise with the sun on my face. When we arrive, we are informed that the patio is closed...because it's Tuesday...and 62 degrees. Oh, surely if Jimmy Buffet knew the distance I had traveled in order to eat a cheeseburger on his patio he would have opened it for me. But no.

11:56 a.m. PT: We walked the whole promenade they built leading up to the High Roller (which we went on during our last trip...4 months ago) searching for a place to sit in the sun and eat lunch. Apparently that's not so much a thing in Vegas. These damn desert dwellers take their sun for granted!

12:04 p.m. PT: I decide that if we can't eat outside, we might as well go somewhere reliably good, so we grab a seat at BLT Burger. The burger is good, but the Malibu Barbie boozy shake is GREAT. I momentarily feel like I'm on a beach vacation wrapped in a Vegas vacation.


12:52 p.m. PT: I once again declare this the best day ever. We do a lap around the Mirage casino and we're off to Caesar's. I take time to sit, then lay, on the side of the fountains at Caesar's. The sun is on my face. Life is amazing!

 

1:04 p.m. PT: I am horrified to find that my beloved Seahorse Lounge is closed for no good reason. Their website says they should be open. I angrily Instagram the hotel even though I know I should have tweeted them. I try the Gremlins slots. Seriously, who decides what gets a slot machine?

1:33 p.m. PT: Disappointed in Caesar's (as usual), we're off to the Bellagio. My M Life card won't work...I'll deal with that in a minute, but first I must play Wonka. I get a crazy bonus that let's me play like 4 mini-games in a row. I am triumphant.

1:46 p.m. PT: We make our way to the M Life desk. I give her my old blue card and am handed a shiny new white card. She informs me that I've been upgraded to Pearl level! Although I have no idea how this has happened, I suspect that the universe is telling me that every decision that got me here was correct. Thank you, universe...and M Life. 

2:21 p.m. PT: Starbucks break. There's a woman trying to use a coupon. That seems funny to me.

2:40 p.m. PT: We discover that the casino at the Cosmopolitan has nearly every game we want to play. Fun! I make a note to stay here sometime...But we have to come back here for our dinner reservation, so we must keep moving.

4:47 p.m. PT: We hit New York-New York already. It was uneventful, so we've found our way to MGM. We've decided to play video roulette and I order a cosmo. What could possibly go wrong?


5:04 p.m. PT: Ok, we're running out of money (as in, our allotted budget, not our savings account) so we decide to make our way back up toward Cosmopolitan because I have a thing for The Chandelier Bar.

6:11 p.m. PT: I am in the chandelier. It takes forever to get our drinks, but mine has cream cheese espuma on it...it's alright. I feel underdressed for The Chandelier, but it's barely even dinnertime, so whatever.

6:50 p.m. PT: We arrive at China Poblano early for our 7 p.m. dinner reservation. It's not a problem, it's Tuesday. They seat us. This was a good choice - it's chic-casual. I can wear jeans, but I could also wear a dress and it would be ok. We order margaritas with "salt air" and a bunch of yummy things off the asian/mexican menu. I like it.

8:04 p.m. PT: Exhaustion is setting in, but so is the desperation that comes with knowing that I have mere hours left in Vegas. We've agreed we must be in a cab back to the airport by 9 p.m. because my husband is somewhat crazy about being early to the airport.

8:23 p.m. PT: I'm playing whatever catches my eye. There's a machine where you play 12 different slot machines at once. I want to try it all out before I have to go. I am not winning money.

8:53 p.m. PT: We are getting in a cab - probably should have waited until 9:22 p.m. to make it a perfect 12 hours, but my mind is not thinking that hard. I am saying goodbye to this city as if I will never see it again, though I already know I will be back before the end of the year.


9:45 p.m. PT: We are at our gate. It's almost midnight at home. I am so tired and nothing is open and there is no where to lay down. My husband tells me to lay on the floor. I decline and whine some more. Everything has been fabulous until this point. I vow to figure out how to join one of those swanky airline lounges next year.

10:45 p.m. PT: We are finally boarding. Hallelujah, the flight is less than half full, which means there's room to lay down! I am asleep before the captain can tell us our cruising altitude.

5:12 a.m. CST: We have disembarked and are almost to our car, which we parked less than 24 hours ago. I am ruined for the day, but if the price was right, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Hired!

Wow, so much has happened in the last month! I crossed another item off my 40 by 40 list, I went to Vegas for 12 hours, I passed my travel certification exam AND (drumroll, please)...I got a job!

I promise to catch you up on all that fun stuff, but rather than cramming all of it into one blog post, let's just focus on being employed. I accepted the offer exactly 18 weeks after being laid off. It's not the travel job I dreamed up and that's okay. It's a strategic marketing job in a place that values me as a writer (in addition to all of the other things I know how to do) and until I heard that fact out loud, I hadn't realized how excited I was about it.

So this is fantastic news and I'm looking forward to a new work life that gets me out of corporate America and back in the company of creative people.

And I am really, really excited about not having to look for a job anymore. Not obsessively checking LinkedIn. Not having to talk about myself every day with anyone who would listen. Not filling out another online job application! (Seriously, maybe ever...does anyone want to start a movement to overthrow the resume-eating robots?) But more than anything, I am free from the impending doom that comes with being a breadwinner thrown into unemployment unexpectedly. Halle-fucking-lujah.

I would love to compose some poetic and inspirational reflections on this experience, but I don't think I have enough distance yet, so for now let's just leave it at this: It was hard and sometimes awful but I feel strongly that things will be better as a result of it.

I start Monday. Deep breaths.
  

So Tired

I have to tell you something: I'm tired. I'm tired of looking for a job and worrying about when I'll find a job and most of all tired of talking to people about how and when I might find a job. 

I'm not really so much tired of not having a job. I'm not fretting about my lack of purpose or title or anything like that. I'm not wishing I had an office to go to each day. I'm just tired of knowing that I need a source of income without knowing where it's going to come from. I'm tired of the anxiety and the days when it feels like I've managed to make it to age 38 without acquiring any actual skills. I'm tired of doubting myself. And holy shit is this introvert tired of talking to strangers about herself. 

If I can't wait out the rest of this forced hiatus on a beach somewhere, then please, please let it end soon. Please let the interview I had Friday be as good as I think it was. Please let this be it. I've "enjoyed" as much "time off" as I can muster....unless you want to, say, hire me today with a confirmed start date of one month from now...then I can definitely muster up a little more appreciation for this "break."

Life at 2,520 Hours

Today marks 15 weeks since I was laid off. Oh, it sounds so very long when I say it like that. I prefer to savor this one last day of September and continue to tell myself that it's only been "about 3 months."

But! I didn't come here today to wallow in the passage of time. Actually, I didn't come here to wallow at all. I came to celebrate a couple exciting things (none of which include keeping my promise to blog twice per week...oops.) 

First, I have to give a shout out to MN Job Partners. It's a state-run program that really helps people who have been laid off. I've been using them for training, but they offer a slew of other assistance for those who need it. I'm so grateful for them because they enabled me to enroll in travel school! 

Ok wait, I should back up...we all know I love travel and travel planning, but it wasn't until I was laid off that I really considered what it would take to get a job in the travel industry. My research revealed that the baseline industry certification is the CTA (Certified Travel Associate). There are other certifications, but they require you to actually work in the travel industry for at least a year. (And no, you don't have to be a CTA to work in this industry, but when you're trying to break in with no experience, it helps.)

My counselor in the Job Partners program asked me to define my job search goal so that any training assistance could be aligned to that goal. So I set a goal to try to find a role that leveraged my existing skills within the travel industry.

Now, I wasn't sure if the right job actually existed here in the Twin Cities...and I'm still definitely applying for jobs outside the travel industry...but I needed a dream so I dreamed one. 

Ok, so travel school. That dream allowed me to start this training course. It's all online with a proctored exam at the end. I'm learning everything from basic geography to deciphering all those codes on your airline tickets. Stuff lots of people would find totally boring and I. LOVE. IT. Like, I love it more than I thought I would. (Btw, did you know Venice is actually 118 islands? I'm full of fun facts these days.)

The 118 islands of Venice.

And the realization that I had - which makes this different than, say, pastry school - is that it's actually pretty easy to set-up your own travel agency. Sure, you have to find your own customers, but the cost of entry is low. 

No, I'm not here to announce my own travel agency (not yet, anyway), but I am here to say that I've discovered that I could really do this. Maybe not as my full-time source of income (not yet, anyway), but I could still do it. I could get paid to plan trips! I could write about my travel and actually market myself. I could learn everything about every place I ever wanted to know about. I could help people have life-changing experiences!

And I never would have known how attainable this tiny dream of mine actually was if I hadn't been laid off. Also, I never would have discovered that my hometown had so many companies that are affiliated with the travel industry. 

Which brings me to what is perhaps the most buried lede of all time...you know that goal that I set without knowing if such a job existed? It not only exists, but I'm interviewing for it! And maybe it's ill-advised to shout such things from the rooftop when you don't know if you'll get the job, but what I'm really shouting is I WANT THIS. I really want this. And even if I don't get it, I think it's pretty cool that I got this close. 

So yeah, 15 weeks. It seems like forever and five minutes all at once. But I'm so, so happy that it got me here! Where will I be 15 weeks from now? I do not know, but here's hoping that I'm even happier...and also collecting a paycheck. 

Must be Present to Win

The rebound gig is over and now that I'm officially re-entering unemployment (and feeling much happier about it this time), I figured I should revisit my 40 by 40 list, which seems to be perpetually stuck at having 15-16 things left on it. I don't know how that's possible, but it is.

Obviously I have to put all travel-related items on hold at the moment until a steady steam of income can be obtained...I'm saying that knowing full well that I intend to travel to LA this winter, but I'll save that for another post...when you hear the explanation, you'll agree that it meets the stringent exception criteria.

Ok, so removing travel items still leaves me with 10 things I could theoretically set my mind to accomplishing during my employment hiatus:

7. Write a rough draft of my book
17. Get another tattoo
18. Be debt free (excluding mortgage)
19. Make exercise part of my life
21. Win a contest
27. Wear a ball gown
30. Plan another treasure/scavenger hunt
34. Read “Don Quixote”
35. Write each one of my friends a letter saying what they mean to me
38. Learn to change a tire

What jumps out at you when you read that list? For me, it's #21 Win a contest, because that seems fun and like it won't require a major expense.

I should add that I have started #7 but I don't want to talk about it and I think it's possible that I've accomplished #19, but I'm not ready to call it yet. I also tried to buy "Don Quixote" at a bookstore in Ketchikan and interpreted the fact that they didn't have a copy as a sign that it wasn't time yet...ok, so back to winning a contest.

There was a debate about whether that time I auditioned for Wheel of Fortune counted as winning a contest because I had to make it through some type of vetting process to get that far, but I decided that it did not because, well...we did not make it on the show. Had we actually appeared on Wheel of Fortune maybe I would have said yes.

So how does one go about winning a contest? Well, first one must enter a contest. And since I've got less than 2 years, it seems like I should probably start entering many contests. People have asked me to qualify "contest" - like, could I just challenge my friend to a cake eating contest and be done? Sure, I suppose, except I think the spirit of #21 was that feeling of random luck that comes with entering something out of your control and coming up a winner. So, those are the vague guidelines I'm working with here.

Have you ever Googled "contest"? It's pretty amazing how many contests are underway at this very minute. So far today I've entered one at the Food Network and I'm considering another one where I have to make something out of apples... I now intend to devote time each week to finding new contests to enter until I win one...

My hope, of course, being that I stumble across something super interesting and/or amazing that leads me to discover something else interesting and/or amazing...because that's pretty much how both luck and the 40 by 40 list work...because if you try to do something interesting and/or amazing every day, that adds up to some interesting and/or amazing years and that ultimately means you're living an interesting life. And that's all I really want. Plus love, TV and cake.

The Rebound, and Wishing on a Star

I tried to avoid the relationship analogy for my layoff at first because I didn't like the idea that I was "married" to my job, but the longer it's been, the more apropos that analogy seems.

So yes, my job suddenly left me. Everyone said enjoy your freedom! But I could not, because it was too scary not to have a job and it was too scary not to know what I wanted to do next. So when this other job came along, just three weeks into my breakup, I was relieved. I knew it was too soon, but I was wooed by the promise of income and feeling needed. Plus, it was a contract gig - nothing serious.

And we can all see where this is going...that was my rebound. I'd like to say it was fun while it lasted, but...instead, let's just say that it was different. It got my brain focusing on something other that resumes and job postings and excel spreadsheets that calculate how long we could stretch my severance in a worst case scenario, slightly-less than worst case, and on and on. But I've given my notice. It's time to say goodbye and stop considering jobs that I know won't challenge me in the right ways. You see, I stopped myself from saying "jobs that I know won't make me happy" because I don't know if that's the right bar.

I don't work to be happy. I work to support my family and complete my 40 by 40 list. I work because I like to use my brain and yes, because I even like being part of team...once I get to know my teammates.

None of that is to say I can't find a job that I like. A job where I want to stay and become an expert and where I like my coworkers. That is an achievable goal. But I won't get there if I keep ignoring my Jiminy Cricket voice that tells me right away when something isn't right for me. I'm choosing to stop allowing "make money" to trump that voice, because that voice knows me best.

So, Jiminy Cricket and I are now jumping headfirst into finding Mr. Right Job. Because as Jiminy says, "If you don't have a dream, how can you have a dream come true?"

Let's hope one of us remembers how to date.

Going North: #13 and 20!

If you ever want to make yourself NOT blog, just promise that you'll blog more often. Seriously. I told myself that I would blog at least twice a week as a way to feel semi-productive while laid off and...that was 6 weeks ago.

I'm off the hook for ONE of those weeks though because I was out crossing things off my 40 by 40 list!!

The first week of the month, my family took an Alaskan cruise, thus fulfilling both #13 and #20 on my list! I was nervous about the whole cruising thing, but it was amazing. Amazing! I highly recommended an Alaskan cruise...and a helicopter ride over the glaciers...and dog sledding on a glacier. Had I know such experiences existed when I made my list, I surely would have gone beyond "seeing" the glaciers to "flying over and landing and dog sledding on a glacier" but as it stands, these things were all just a magical bonus to the whole Alaska experience.

You can learn more about our particular mush team here.

I 

I think we, as people, generally accept that Alaska is "beautiful" in a faraway, conceptual sort of way. But seriously, it's beautiful. And glaciers are fucking amazing. 

They are blue! For real, blue! Just like the ocean! Isn't that cool? Like, yes, that's obvious and yet, wow, I never realized that at all.

And the cruise! Since I was little, I dreamt of having a magic machine that let me travel while I slept...well, it turns out they call those cruise ships. At no point did I stop being amazed by waking up to find us in port at a new little town.

I could write a whole post about the experience on the ship, but not today. Let's just say it was great. That's two more awesome life experiences thanks to my list. Thank you, list.

As for my real life, well, I'm still laid off...as in, I have not yet found permanent employment, but I did take a contract gig. It successfully quelled my fears about money (temporarily) but in retrospect was probably a bad choice so soon. I really still need to get my shit together for my job hunting. It can't be something I do in my spare time...not if I want to find something I actually want to do. So yeah, I have to figure that one out...better yet, I'd like to figure out how to live on a cruise ship and never work again, like this lady...minus the whole being alone part. Surely someone would pay me to blog from my life on a cruise ship...

#24: An ace that I can keep

I want to take a minute to acknowledge that while "The Gambler" is a critical piece of the American lexicon, that video is boring.  (But press play anyway and you'll have a nice soundtrack for the rest of this post.) You see, I don't have any photos to accompany the following announcement, so Kenny will have to do...

I have accomplished #24 on my 40 by 40 list! I have learned to play poker, as measured by the fact that last night I went to a poker room and actually played poker without making a total fool of myself.

First, I discovered that Mystic Lake (aka, the only nearby casino with slots) no longer offers poker, so after playing some slots, we headed down the road to Canterbury...home of my next hobby (as soon as I have an income again), horse racing. They have a card room, which I had never partaken in before, but, with my husband's encouragement, I marched up to the lady at the desk, said "I want to play hold 'em," and procured a spot at a table.

This table was playing 2/4 Hold 'Em. Since the extent of my experience so far had been playing with my husband and kids, I had no idea what the "2/4" meant, but it was the table with an open spot, so I sat down anyway. This was a 10 person table. No one but the dealer even acknowledged me, which was fine...I of course threw my cash on the table and had to be told to wait until the next hand. (Oh yes, yes of course...)

So they set a giant stack of $1 chips in front of me and I try to figure out what's going on. My at-home play had taught me the basics - as in, I knew what a good hand looked like, but playing with actual poker players is a little different than playing with your kids. The first few hands happened so fast with raises and folds that no one was showing their cards. The woman sitting next to me was knitting and barely seemed to be glancing at any of the cards, yet was winning some of the hands. The dealer was turning over 5 cards, not the 3 we had been practicing with. What is going on?!

I panicked and almost gave up. My husband, who wasn't playing, but was perched behind me, whispered "You're okay." I gritted my teeth and committed.

Slowly, I calmed down. It started making sense. I realized everyone in a poker is a liar. Obviously I knew bluffing was a big part of the game, but I hadn't realized it was most of the game.

I missed a chance to win with a pair of Jacks  - I folded and the dude only had a pair of 3s. We hadn't practiced a lot of bluffing at home. But I kept going. I gave back the bad cards without wasting a bet. I didn't fold every time someone raised, even if I was pretty sure I had nothing. And I won a hand!

Sadly I did not discover that I am a gifted poker player, ready to hit the professional circuit. I lost $70. But I learned a lot. And I was brave. And I accomplished something!

And I'd still take slots over poker any day.

On a (lobster) roll!

Today is my two week layoffiversary and what better way to celebrate than by crossing #39 off the 40 by 40 list: Cook a lobster.

By the way, I didn't wake up counting the days since I'd been laid off, I remembered it when the dental hygienist innocently asked me about work. Still, once I realized it, I enjoyed my midday, sunshiney walk around the lake with a friend just a little bit more. Add in my husband getting the night off from work, and it was time to cook some lobsters!

Maybe the way I worded this one is confusing because I think I really wanted to experience killing a live lobster, not just cooking any old lobster. In retrospect, I guess that's sort of morbid, but it seemed like an experience anyone who likes to cook should have. Just like the pie, I wanted to know that I could do it.

So we located the nearest grocer selling live lobsters and watched as our two were fished out of tank and put in a bag...then we watched that bag wriggle around all the way home.

This recipe in Bon Appetit was my catalyst for deciding that this was the month the lobster would be cooked, and the printed magazine also included a handy dandy guide to killing a lobster, which is where I learned the tip to put them in the freezer for 15 minutes to anesthetize them first. (Truth be told, they didn't seem all that sleepy after even 20 minutes in the freezer, but in my mind they had fewer feelings that way...)

I'm sorry, lobster. I'm going to slice you in half now.

If you've never held a live lobster, you might not realize that they're kind of gross. Like giant insects with claws...giant, wet insects with claws. But I gritted my teeth, and followed the instructions. This recipe was for grilling the lobster, so I had to hold the squirmy things down and cut them in half...alive. Which seemed better than hearing them scream in the boiling pot of water, right up until I was actually plunging the knife into them.

Pleasant is not a word I would use to describe that experience. They wiggled around the entire time. Also, lobster shells are very tough and I had to have my husband help me get the knife all the way through. And they were still twitching even after they were completely cut in half.

Then, I got the things open and had to scrape out the tomalley and eggs...

Sweet dreams are not made of this.

Are you horrified yet? No? How about if I told you that they were still twitching when I put them on the grill? Shudder.

But now comes the more glamorous part.

Gorgeous, right?!

This is why you pay the big bucks to eat lobster in restaurants...you want to get on the lobster bus right about here.

The grilling was simple. 6 minutes meat side down, flip, 3 minutes, done. And then we got...

Ta-da! I'm amazing!

So we ate like kings. Well, we ate the two lobsters. (I think you probably should buy one lobster per person...file that away for your next lobster party.)

Traumatic killing experience aside, it was fucking delicious. And I'm proud of myself. Goodbye, #39! You've taught me that unless I am trapped on lobster island, where live lobsters are my only food source, I can happily go through the rest of my life without doing that again!

I baked a pie!

In the spirit of being productive even when you don't have any work, I've crossed another item off my 40 by 40 list!  

Last night I completed #2: Bake a pie from scratch. I realize this might not seem like much a feat, but it wasn't on the list because it was hard, it was on the list because it was something I'd never done and wanted to do. 

It was just a coincidence that I made the pie the same day that gay marriage was legalized in all 50 states, but I dedicated it to celebrating that amazing milestone anyway...and so I pronounce the following to be: The Equality is Sweet as Caramel and American as Apple Pie.

As I'm prone to do, I overcomplicated the whole thing by using one recipe for the crust and another for the filling...and then I improvised by pouring caramel over the apples before putting on the top crust and baking. 

And through the magic of baking, I turned this...

Into THIS!

It isn't perfect, of course. The filling to crust ratio is off and I accidentally put 1 Tbsp of salt into the crust rather than 1 tsp, but luckily, the caramel kind of balanced it out, so it tasted like a salted caramel apple pie.

Easy as pie is a real dumb idiom, because cake is way easier, BUT I'm calling #2 a success!

I'm in no way convinced that this was better than buying a pie, but I'm still glad I did it just because a person should know they can bake a pie. Words to live by.

#3, or Everything is better on a fuzzy purple couch

On June 12, I accomplished #3 on my 40 by 40 list...the Menu Degustation at Joel Robuchon in Las Vegas.

From Wikipedia:

1. Degustation is a culinary term meaning a careful, appreciative tasting of various foods and focusing on the gustatory system, the senses, high culinary art and good company. Dégustation is more likely to involve sampling small portions of all of a chef's signature dishes in one sitting.

They used to call this a 16-course tasting menu...now it's technically 9 courses with 17 plates, plus a candy cart...so really, if you count the candy cart, the bread cart the amuse bouche, you're talking about 20 plates.

Eating all of that food was intimidating to me. Without going into detail, let's just say that I've tried many tasting menus and 9 plates is the furthest I've ever made it before needing to rearrange my stomach contents.

This time I was determined to make it the end, so I read up on competitive eater training regimens. I don't have all that much willpower, so although I didn't follow the eating plan to a T, I did eat a giant meal 24 hours before the dinner to stretch my stomach out. My friends all think I'm crazy, but that's how much this meant to me.

Spoiler alert! I successfully tried every plate (except the bread) and my stomach participated happily. It's worth noting that I also limited my beverage consumption during the meal to a single glass of champagne. This definitely helped.

Ok, so let me just mention that the place is gorgeous and it's purple and I want my dining room to look like that.

But you want to see the food, right?

The famed bread cart. I did not partake, but my companions all did and raved. There was bacon bread.

Amuse bouche - all I can tell you is that it's quinoa and red pepper sauce and tasted better than those things sound.

Le Caviar - that's king crab under there and a seafood gelee. 

1er Service - (clockwise from bottom left) L'Asperge Verte, green asparagus with coriander guacamole and medley of vegetables; La Tomate, tomato candies invigorated with lemon virgin olive oil; Le Homard, Maine lobster in a thinly sliced daikon with sweet and sour dressing.

2eme Service - On the right is L'Oeuf de Poule. This was served with a fancy smoker dome over the top of the egg..the perfect soft-boiled egg. On the left is La Cuisse de Grenouille - frog leg fritters. Seriously good.

3eme Service - (from top left) La Langoustine, truffled langoustine ravioli with simmered green cabbage; Le Petit Pois, green pea and almond velouté, scallion jam and fresh mint; L'Oursin, uni atop of fennel purée with potatoes and citrus jus

4eme Service - (from top left) Le Black Cod, carmelized black cod in Malabar pepper sauce with mini bok choy (You have never tasted cod like this! Amazing!); La Langouste, spiny lobster grilled with a green curry jus and fresh coriander; Le Foie Gras de Canard, seared foie gras with sweet and sour cherries and fresh almonds. (See how cute it is with the carrot through the foie gras? That's a tomato and a rosemary sprig!) This was my favorite savory course.

Le Plat "Tradition" - L'Epaule d'Agneau, braised and roasted shoulder of lamb with southern flavors. The lamb was impressive, yes, but those potatoes sitting over there are the famous Joel Robuchon potatoes. They are like heaven and velvet and air and love.

Finally, dessert! The one on the left was their substitution because I'm allergic to raspberries. It tasted a lot like grass...fancy grass. The middle is Le Citron, buttermilk cream and lemon sorbet - refreshing and light and delicious. And on the right is the tiniest ode to strawberries and rhubarb. Also delicious.

This was my favorite! Just look at it! Every plate appeared to be custom for the course, but how precious is this?! It's a flower box! But it's really Le Chocolat Illanka! Imagine a log of chocolate mousse with jasmine cream, pomegranate gelee and edible flowers. It was almost too cute to eat, but eat it, I did.

And finally, Escortes de mignardies...or candy cart for the less civilized. 40+ tiny delicacies that they make in-house. They tell you what everything is and then you must choose. They cut me off at four. I'd never had a coconut eclair before. The whole thing was just as over-the-top as it should be. 

And believe it or not, we were all conscious and able to walk out of there, with our gift bag of lemon pound cake and souvenir menus. How great is that?!

If I eventually compile a top 5 list of things I'm so grateful I put on the 40 by 40 list, this will be on it. It was amazing. Not just the food, but the experience...the everything. I am smitten. Thank you, Joel Robuchon.

One Week

Poof! A week has passed. It's so weird how quickly that can happen.

I did not sulk today. I started the day with two promising connections thanks to my network that helps me even when I say I don't know what I want help with...and I felt even better about those connections because my resume got a makeover and is now a much better reflection of me. (If you don't possess visual design skills, I recommended marrying someone who does.)

I took my boys and our dog for a walk around the lake, followed by cheeseburgers and ice cream in the sun, and I got a little sunburn, and it made me so, so, so grateful for this time and for this life.

I still can't seem to sleep through the night, so visceral is the fear of not being able to provide for my family, it wakes my body before my brain even knows what's happening, but most of my daylight hours are optimistic, even sometimes enthusiastic, about what I could do next.

I'm still in love with the fantasy of freelancing, but the reality is that I haven't set myself up financially to do that. Building a freelance business takes more time than I have and when I weigh the flexible life of a freelancer against the kind of flexibility that a well-paying job can provide...well, it's almost certain that I will need to go back to work. In an office. And I can live with that. I just hope that I'll have the luxury of being choosy about which office that might be and what work I might be doing.

Ugh, again no funny stories. I guess a week still isn't quite long enough for me to have fully developed a sense of humor about all this. As with everything else, I'm sure I just need to give it time. In the meantime, I am going to write that post about my amazing meal, because I refuse to let the layoff tarnish that experience.

And speaking of 40 by 40, I've made a list of the things I can (mostly) easily do while I've got all this "free" time!

#2 Bake a pie from scratch (I saw this in the June issue of Bon Appetit and took it as a sign)
#24 Learn to play poker (My family has been playing Hold'em, but I'll consider it checked off when I go try it out in a real casino)
#35 Write each one of my friends a letter saying what they mean to me
#38 Learn to change a tire
#39 Cook a lobster (Bon Appetit also sent me a sign on this one)

Those are five things that will make me feel accomplished! I'm committing to get all of them checked off in the next month.

Let's hear it for having personal goals that have nothing to do with the way you happen to make a living!

Blank

It's been 4 days now. I'm feeling something bordering on excitement that I don't have to go to work tomorrow. Mondays are virtually meaningless for the time being...that's a perq of unemployment.

I'm clearly still spinning because although I've started manically reading job postings, I vacillate between wanting to do something in the same vein of what I was doing and doing something totally different. Do I want to be a freelance writer? Get my travel agent certification? Be an astronaut?

Did you know there's a job at a certain cake company called "Froster"? You literally frost cakes all day. If it weren't for needing to maintain a certain monthly income, I would have sent my resume in for that too, because hello, I could rock that job and I bet the application process is quite straightforward.

I'm surprised to say that I have not yet had a day where I just laid in bed. A week ago, I would have told you that having an excuse to collapse into a pile of mush and stare at the TV for 24 hours was my dream...now I don't really want to. Granted, I know that day may be on the horizon, and if it arrives, I will succumb...for a day...but at the moment I'm kind of distracted by figuring out wtf I'm going to do.

I'd like to insert a funny story or epiphany that I've had since being laid off, but I'm still suffering from a sort of blankness. Like my gears have to start turning in the opposite direction and they can't quite make that first rotation.

I will say that if I was keeping track of signs from the universe, the fact that I got Game Show Network back mere days before being laid off is comforting. Like the universe is saying, There, there. Match Game will heal you.

I don't know. I'm supposed to be giving myself time. I'm not sure what to do with that. Here's hoping my first full week of liberation offers something in the way of peace or clarity.

53 Hours Ago...

I was laid off.

When last we spoke I was preparing for my Vegas trip and my dream meal. I intended to come back here to post all the photos of the meal (#3 on my 40 by 40). I'm still going to do that (it was amazing)...it's just that I got derailed by the news that my job was eliminated on Wednesday. Like...53 hours ago.

I'm still in shock, which I hate because logically I knew this was a possibility. We all knew cuts were coming and I knew I could be at risk, but I also knew I was doing good work and I guess I let myself temporarily suspend my cynicism since the scenario in which I still had a job was a lot easier to swallow than the alternative.

Yet I feel like I knew it was coming. That incredible meal felt like the apex of something. Like things might never be this way again. And even that morning...54 hours ago...the Starbucks barista who comically never acknowledges that we've ever seen each other before despite the fact that I had been there almost daily for 2+ years...well, she noticed that my hair was different. The universe was trying to give me a heads up.

I get it, universe. I need to find a less soul-crushing way to make a living. For real this time.

I've been trying to find words for it. For what I feel. I'm surprisingly empty. I cried a lot on Wednesday, but even as the tears were flowing, I was telling myself that I wasn't sad about not working there. I wasn't sad that I didn't have to try to make sense of a totally fucked up environment.

I was sad to leave my team. My team that I fought for and truly care about. I was sad to have my last two and a half years of effort thanked with an incredibly unceremonious slam of the door. (P.S. Fuck you.)

I'm mad that I let myself care so much. I'm mad that I let myself believe I could make a difference in an institution so blatantly uninterested in being better. More profitable? Sure. But better? No thank you. Not if it means something would really have to change.

But I don't really want to be sad or mad about it. What I'm waiting for is the physical realization that all of that is behind me now. The wave of relief washing over me, reminding me that that's never who I really was, nor aspired to be. A sense of humor about how truly fucked up it really is. Excitement that this is my chance to do something else. Something better.

I'm not there yet, but I know I'm inching closer. Here's hoping it comes in the next 53 hours.

38 and 12

I am officially 38. And I have 12 year olds. Having concurrent birthdays really makes the whole passage of time thing feel like a hammer smashing down on your illusion of youth. But, we're all healthy and happy and life is good, so what does it matter how old we are?

Well, it does matter in the sense that I now also officially have less than 2 years left to complete my 40 by 40 list. I've got numbers 3, 13 and 20 all cued up, so that's good. But somehow I still have 18 things left!! Yikes.

In honor of my birthday - and as a distraction from thinking about the fact that my babies are 12 - I thought I should make a plan for which items I'm going to check off the list in the next 12 months....

Ok, so already planned:

#3 - Eat Joel Robuchon's 16-course tasting menu in Las Vegas - this is BOOKED for one week from today!!!!!

#13 See the glaciers in Alaska - this is BOOKED for August!

#20 Take a cruise - we are cruising to #13!

What else can I feasibly take on in the next 12 months?

#2 Bake a pie from scratch - yes, I can do this. It should be relatively easy now that I'm been to pastry bootcamp.

#17 Get another tattoo - yes, this is going to happen. I know what I want and I just need to have it drawn...and then inked. I can do that this year.

#24 Learn how to play poker - given how much I love the casino, it's stupid that I haven't learned this yet. I can do that this year.

#34 Read Don Quixote - everyone tells me I don't really want to do this, but it seems that I do, so this might as well be the year.

#35 Write each one of my friends a letter saying what they mean to me - yes, I can do this. I will do this. I need to start now and work through them over the year.

#38 Learn to change a tire - again, why haven't I just done this? I can do this. This summer even...Even if I never actually have to use this knowledge because I have a cell phone and AAA.

#39. Cook a lobster - sounds like a dinner party! Maybe I should combine this one with #2. Could be fun.

Ok, so that leaves a solid 11 things for my 39th year of life. At some point I will have to decide what qualifies as making exercise part of my life...and I may need to start entering contests. But at least I've got a plan...

Happy Monday

It's Monday. It feels like a Monday.

Maybe I started out a bit melancholy, but I've been a bit flattened by the horrible news today...from our local college student tragically falling off a bridge (I'm saying falling because the alternative is even worse) or the description of that Germanwings pilot using an axe to try to get back into the cockpit to save those 150 people. Everyone just plunging straight down.

If there is anything positive about all that, it's the perspective it gives you on your own boring life. I could have written you a whole diatribe about the uncertainty I feel about my current work situation, but what does it really matter? I am standing with my feet on the ground. I'm not sick or hungry. I'm not going to complain about it today.

What I am going to do is acknowledge a few things that made me happy today: My husband arrived safely home from a trip. Happy. I inspired someone to make a 50 by 50 list. Happy. My BFF called me for advice because she said she needed to talk to someone smart. Happy. I have kids who laugh at grammar jokes. Happy (and proud).

Also, I have chocolate ice cream and red wine. Neither of which are going to help me lose those 10 lbs I'm after (which would make me happy), but both of which make me very, very happy tonight.