Happy Place

I could write an entire blog about Las Vegas. Like, my every single thought and obsession about that place. The joy I feel when hearing the slot machines, the thrill I get when I see the Strip all lit up at night...my time traveling fantasies of being there during the Rat Pack era.

I'm not sure who would actually want to read that blog, but I think I'd enjoy writing it.

Anyway, I am returning to my happy place tomorrow! I even bought a new dress last minute, which I always say I'm not going to do, but here's where we're having dinner:

Now tell me you wouldn't need a new dress to eat there...that's what I thought.

I promise to return full of inspiration and ideas for the new year ahead.

Eating Thanksgiving Dinner in a Fancy Restaurant

I was thankful for a great many things this Thanksgiving, including my boys, my husband, my dog, the health of all of our families, and the fact that we live a pretty great life. But a special note of gratitude went out to my 40 by 40 list for motivating me to do things that I want to do and might not have gotten around to doing otherwise, including...

#16 Eat Thanksgiving dinner in a fancy restaurant

Check!

We hosted our traditional pumpkin pancake brunch in the morning, which assuaged my guilt at choosing a fancy restaurant over my in-laws this year.

I went a fairly traditional route with the fancy restaurant. Kincaid's is exactly the type of place you would picture when you imagine eating Thanksgiving dinner out. No molecular gastronomy or nouveau cuisine, just a straight up turkey dinner.

It was fun. It honestly wasn't all that different from eating out any other day of the year except that it had maybe more of a festive feel. Of course I love being waited on and the food was great (even though I really don't like turkey much), but what I learned from the experience is that really we should go out and order fancy food, not turkey. In my mind, I wanted to go have the classic Thanksgiving meal prepared by a chef, but I think what I really want is to eat a fancy meal instead of having a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. I'll file that away for the next time I have the opportunity to dine out on Thanksgiving.

Ok, so now I'm at the halfway point: 20/40. It took me nearly 5.5 years to get here and now I'll finish the other half of the list in just 2.5 years. I can do this!

Movies!

I decided to show the boys Son-in-Law today because I remembered that it's a Thanksgiving movie AND it's one of the elite few films that I will purposely watch more than once. As a rule, I don't love seeing movies I've already seen. Even movies that I might really like, I don't often want to see again.

This has prompted me to make a list of this select group of films so that I can remember what I need to make them watch...as you will see, they are mostly random and obscure (and I'm sure many would argue that they aren't all very good), so I am worried that if I don't force my children to consume them, they will go through life without knowing they exist. That would be a shame.

Here goes...

Movies I'd Watch Repeatedly (excluding Muppets)

Hackers
Sneakers
Wonder Boys
Get Shorty
Long Kiss Goodnight
Heathers
Home for the Holidays
Midnight Madness
13 Going On 30
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Breakfast Club
Pump Up the Volume
Point Break
Son-in-Law

I'm sure that's not all-inclusive, but it's what I can think of right now. It's fairly obvious that many of those probably relate to key periods of my life more than having cinematic value, but that's ok. Also, obviously they are not all appropriate for 11 year olds, so I'll have to file several of them away for a few more years. But tonight...bring on Son-in-Law!

40 by 40 Progress Check

I thought it was a good time to give a progress report on my 40 by 40 list. I'm really excited because I think I'm going to cross several things off the list in the next few months!

Ok, so for the record, I've only crossed off 16 of my 40 so far and I have just over 2.5 years left. BUT, here's what's in the works:

#16 - Eat Thanksgiving dinner in a fancy restaurant. This one is happening this Thanksgiving! In my mind it was going to be a fancy restaurant out of town, but it's actually maybe more exciting to go to a local fancy restaurant because we can still do our family pumpkin pancake brunch and then hit the restaurant for dinner.

#9 - Pastry Bootcamp at the CIA is booked for February!

#13 - See the glaciers in Alaska and #20 Take a cruise...these two birds will be killed with one stone because I'm scoping an Alaskan cruise for our next family vacation. (pricier than I thought, but it sounds amazing)

#37 - See the Grand Canyon...I think I'm going to take a helicopter tour the next time we're in Vegas because I can't get excited about planning a whole trip around it. However, I've never been in a helicopter, so we can add that to the list of cool things I should have put on my 40 by 40 list but didn't, but did them anyway.

So you see, that's 5 more things in the next 4 months, which puts me at 21/40, which is at least more than halfway done, which seems slightly less overwhelming. I could knock out the ones that don't require travel or anything particularly difficult (e.g. Cook a lobster) but I'm sort of saving those I think so some of my list still seems easily achievable. Ah, psychology.

Behind the Wheel

On Wednesday my husband and I auditioned for Wheel of Fortune. Yep, the real one. Life is weird.

It could have been my chance to complete #21 on my 40 by 40 list, but alas, it was not meant to be. (Well, one could argue that just getting the audition is winning a contest, but I am not that one.)

I realize I just spoiled the ending, but I thought it only fair to get the not being chosen part out of the way first, so we can focus on the experience of auditioning.

Ok, so if you visit the Wheel of Fortune site, you can learn about audition opportunities and that whole process, so I'll cut to chase and say that you have to apply with a video (unless you hunt down the Wheelmobile, which seems horrific). I like Wheel of Fortune - I love the slots - but it's not an affection on-par with The Price is Right. Still, being on the show sounded pretty awesome.

However, I didn't really want to make a video and probably would not have, were it not for my coworker, who shares my love of games and game shows and was an enthusiastic participant. Also, my other coworker shot and edited the video. I have awesome coworkers.

The video was silly and fun and it apparently showcased my ability to yell out letters better than my coworker because sadly, I got an audition and she didn't. (And that is a total bummer, so I'm hoping they're just saving her for the next round.)

Ok, so when I got the invitation to audition, it said they're shooting a special series of shows for parents with kids, so I should bring my spouse. Lucky for me, my spouse enables my love of game shows and agreed to come even though this was in no way his dream.

So we show up at the specified hotel ballroom at the specified time and find 50 other people there for the same purpose. They take attendance, show us a special audition video with Pat and Vanna and then run us through a drill where we all yell letters at the appropriate volume. Then we're off and playing in this weird audition format where you wait for your name to called, stand up and pretend you're actually on the show for one turn, and then sit and wait to be called again.

Awkward is the word I would use to describe the experience. And stressful. And counter to my nature. (Ok, so 6 words.) As I was sitting there listening for our names, I was asking myself Am I having fun or do I hate this?

First of all, when placed in a room full of strangers, I tend to hope not to be called upon. In this case, I needed to be called upon in order to actually be considered for the show.

Second, the professional casting team was full of instructions: Smile, get excited, interact with your spouse, take turns speaking, enunciate, project, don't take too long, don't forget to buy vowels, act like you're on the show....it was a lot.

We got called on 3 times and even though I was having trouble even remembering my name, we solved a puzzle! THE GREAT OZ HAS SPOKEN! It was a great puzzle to solve and it won us a Wheel of Fortune hat and a tote bag. Score.

After about an hour of that, it was time for the written test. And if we'd been in the running up until then, I can assure you that my test score is what got us eliminated.

You get 5 minutes to solve a sheet of word puzzles that are just like on the show except that you only get a few of the letters, which means you might have something that looks like this (times 20):
"Thing"

G _ _ _ _
_ _   _ _ _ _ R

At first I thought I would get zero, so I guess ultimately solving 5 in 5 minutes is an accomplishment.

While they graded our tests, we watched a highlight reel from the 4000th episode retrospective. Then they came back and told us that if our names were called, we got to move on to the next round, and if not, well thanks for coming.

Our names were not called. Cue sad trombone.

Ah, well. It was still a once-in-a-lifetime experience and it gives me a lot more sympathy for those poor contestants who can't seem to solve even the most obvious puzzles.

Guess I need to find another contest to win...

Mapping and Plotting

Having less than 3 years until I turn 40 has put a new sense of urgency on my 40 by 40 list. I have a habit of not always finishing things and there's just no way I'm not finishing this one.

I actually sat down and mapped out the rest of my 40 by 40 list travel so that I can make sure it all really happens. Plotting it all out is pretty fun, altho I'm a little worried that I may be working against #18 in trying to accomplish all the rest. Maybe my 50 by 50 list can include some more fiscally responsible options.

My latest exciting news is that I'm registered for Pastry Bootcamp (that's #9)! That is one of the larger undertakings on my list, so it feels awesome to know that I'm really making it happen...I just have to wait until February. Maybe I will be so inspired by bootcamp that I will change careers and pursue of the dream of making dessert all day...ok, the dream is really to eat dessert all day, which may be in direct conflict with any aspirations to make a living selling desserts.

Being surrounded by that stuff all day just sounds amazing.

Let's hope I figure out how to turn what I learn at bootcamp into something that makes me at least as happy as the image search for "French Pastry." Sky's the limit.

Goodbye, #8!

I have accomplished #8 on the 40 by 40 list! We returned a couple weeks ago from our trip to Ireland, where we drove much of the coast. My synopsis: Ireland is amazing and you should go every chance you get!

This was actually my third trip to Ireland, but I'd never gone much farther than Dublin. What a beautiful country and such wonderful people. We even found the place where we want to retire! (Watch for it on my 70 by 70 list.)

Every day of this trip was incredible, but here are just a few highlights:

We flew into Dublin and drove north, where we stayed in an adorable little town called Portrush, but the reason we were there was to see the Giant's Causeway, which is a series of basalt columns created by lava during an ancient volcanic eruption. The photo doesn't do it justice, but it actually brought tears to my eyes, it was so magnificent. I know it sounds cheesy, but sights like this are literally the reason that art exists. It explains why Ireland is so rich with folklore...how would you explain this is if you just happened upon it 1000 years ago?

Giant's Causeway with boys

After that amazingness, we headed southwest, stopping at the gravesite of W.B. Yeats (where my boys will proudly tell you they had some good ice cream) and ending up in Galway. After a night in Galway City, we headed farther west to spend our 13th wedding anniversary in a CASTLE near Connemara National Park. Yeah, we're fancy.

View from the castle grounds

From there we headed to the Cliffs of Moher, which have to be seen to be believed. I don't know if there's a more fitting use of "breathtaking." Plus, because it's not America, they let you walk straight out to the edge of the cliffs, with nothing more than a sign telling you that the ground could give way. I really did have to question why I would walk my kids to the edge of a cliff so nonchalantly and my only explanation is that you just had to try to take in as much of it as you could.

Cliffs of Moher

From there we went farther south to the Dingle Peninsula. I had no idea I was about to fall in love, but wow, that place is gorgeous. Picturesque. Perfect? It's like the perfect combo of being amazingly beautiful while also feeling like you could actually live there. I'm not kidding, I want to live there someday.

Slea Head Drive, Dingle

After some additional meandering through the south part of Ireland - including rush hour in Cork City (boo) - we then made it back East to Kildare, where we stayed one night before heading back toward Dublin for the remainder of our trip. We couldn't skip the Wicklow Way, tho. You'd think we would have been tired of rolling green hills by then, but no...I don't think I could ever get sick of this.

Wicklow Way

There are hundreds of other highlights I'm not mentioning here, but let's just say that it truly was a dream trip. I've been referring to it as the Ireland Sampler Platter because we only spent one night in each place except Dublin. It was exhausting and thrilling and amazing. I'm so thankful that we were able to make it happen. The 40 by 40 list really was the catalyst...sure, I dreamed of doing it, but having it on that list really motivated me to do it now. Thank you again, 40 by 40 list. 

Sláinte! 

Father's Day

Father's Day. It's a strange reminder that I don't have a dad anymore. However, the holiday is not as sad or full if sentiment for me as his birthday. It wasn't like we had a Father's Day tradition...the compulsory card and maybe a meal together, depending on the year. 

I think it might have been Father's Day when I realized my dad was drinking again...I don't remember the occasion for sure, but I know it was at Red Lobster and that he ordered a beer and that I immediately knew I was going to have to tell my mom, even though at that point they had been divorced for at least 20 years.

Anyway, now Father's Day is all about celebrating my husband, a dad deserving of celebration.

I'm sure there are men out there who really love celebrating themselves, but my husband is not one of them. I usually just plan brunch and hope he likes it, knowing he will likely choose to work at night because it's his day and I can't give him shit about it.

I simultaneously love and hate the cliche Father's Day gifts. He's received a few coffee mugs and yes, even a tie with photos of the boys on it once. There's just something really funny about giving my husband, a non-traditional guy in most senses, the most traditional gift. Actually, funnier than giving him those gifts is the fact that the kids seem drawn to them, like media-trained little sheep. This year he got a screwdriver, but to be fair it was a cool one from Brookstone. (And seriously, does Brookstone exist because of Father's Day?)

This is where I was going to tell you how disappointed I am that my wayward stepson could not even be bothered to return the multiple text messages I sent inviting him to his father's brunch today...but you see, I promised myself when I started this blog that I wouldn't splash his life across these pages, so I won't go into it. Other than to say that I will raise my boys to know that their parents deserve at least a phone call on all relevant holidays and birthdays. At least being code for you better be in a different state if I'm not going to actually see you. 

Now go hug your dad or the favorite dad in your life. 

37

It's my birthday. Time to review my 40 by 40 list and see if I'm making adequate progress...am I making the most of my days? Lord knows that I'll never be as young as I am right now, so I should really get a move on.

Well, before I get to the 40 by 40 list, I have to tell you about my trip this past weekend to Seattle, where I did something that I wish I could go back and put on my 40 by 40 list, but did not have the forethought: Sing with one of my rock idols.

The Seattle trip was a spontaneous decision spurred by the fact that Throwing Muses was doing a short reunion tour and Tanya Donelly (whom I admire and adore) was opening...and it happened to be the weekend before my birthday. The show was at The Triple Door, which is a really cool dinner theater sort of club in Seattle.

We had dinner in the bar that's out front. Tanya Donelly was actually sitting, having dinner, in a booth not 50 feet from us. My husband offered to stop her to say hi and ask for a photo, but I declined because I didn't want to bother her...even though the sight of her made me giddy.

Our seats were amazing. Right in front. Tanya came out and before long, she sang a Belly song. This made me tear up in that "Omg, I didn't know if I'd ever hear this live again" sort of way. I realized I have some emotional attachment to Tanya and Belly because I listened to them all through high school. I basically discovered them at the start of sophomore year and it was love at first listen. I just connected with her.

So I'm already SO happy to be there and then Tanya stops and announces that it's time to bring someone - or anyone - up to caterwaul on "Not Too Soon", which happens to be my favorite Throwing Muses song. Without thinking, I just got up and went to the stage. I don't usually do things like that, but having just missed the opportunity to meet her in the bar, loving her and loving the song, I guess I was emboldened.

There were 8 of us. We made a semi-circle behind her. I was directly behind her left shoulder. The entire time, I stared at the back of her head. I studied the claw clips in her hair - two black ones forming almost-pigtails and two tiny silver ones holding up the hair below. I could not believe that Tanya Donelly was 6 inches from me, singing one of my favorite songs. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to cry. I was numb. All at once. It was amazing.

Strangely, I wasn't nervous at all. Afterward, my husband kept saying how I sang in front of a crowd, but I didn't see the crowd. All I knew is that I was singing backup...to one of my favorite musicians...on one of my favorite songs. Did I mention that it was amazing? I don't know when the last time is that my happiness has been so pure. I'm tempted to cross something off my 40 by 40 list and add this one in just so I can cross it off as complete...but I won't.

Ok, so back to the 40 by 40 list. I can't announce that I've crossed anything off lately, but I can commit to a few of them in the year ahead:

• #8: Tour the coasts of Ireland - this is BOOKED! We are leaving Dublin at the end of July and will drive the coast for nearly 2 weeks!
• #9: Do Pastry Boot Camp at the CIA - the next session is in February and I'm like 75% sure that I'm going to enroll. It's more expensive that I'd like, but I think it would be a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
• #17: Get another tattoo - I finally figured out the tattoo I want to get, so now I just need to have it drawn and figure out when to do it. Sometime in the next year seems doable.

There are several others things I could take on in the next year, but those are the 3 that are currently in my plans. But since I've got more than half the list yet and only 3 years, I should probably step it up. 

More to come. Let me just say that I am grateful for my 37-year-old body (even as it gets rounder) and I am grateful that I can get up everyday and hold my kids and walk around and that I have the luxury to dream of more. Life is good. Happy birthday to me. 

They Say the Heart of Rock 'n' Roll is Still Beating...

In the last 2 weeks, I have seen two shows in casinos: Britney Spears at Planet Hollywood, Las Vegas and Huey Lewis & The News at Mystic Lake Casino (with my mom, for the record).

Britney was a sight to behold - and I am glad I had the opportunity to behold it - but I'd really like Mr. Lewis to have a chat with that girl about what it means to put on a show.

You couldn't blame Huey if he wanted to be cynical. He probably didn't start out hoping to be known for "that one song from Back to the Future." I'm sure he knows that he hit his celebrity peak during the late 80's. And he knows that even if he wrote the greatest song ever tomorrow, everyone really just wants to hear that aforementioned song from Back to the Future (or maybe "Hip to Be Square"). But he's not cynical! (Or if he is, he hides it well.)

He's been performing as Huey Lewis & The News for 36 years! And last night, the man seemed genuinely happy to be there. Happy that we were there. Happy that this is what he has the pleasure to call a job. He was a consummate professional. He's a born entertainer and we were all entertained...wow, were those 50-something women swarming the stage entertained.

Britney on the other hand seemed forced...literally just going through the motions. She lip synced the whole show...okay, fine. It's forgivable if you need to focus on dancing, but she didn't. I could practically see her counting her steps! Nothing spontaneous. Nothing unscripted. Nothing authentic. She had the appearance of a person showing up for work, not a person who is lucky enough to sell out shows night after night. She should be living her dream, but instead she appears trapped by it. Resentful, even.

Maybe someday Huey and Britney will cross paths. In my mind, Huey will take her chin in his hand, gaze at her through his blue-tinted glasses, and tell her to stop wallowing and start being grateful...or he'll have Pat Benatar kick her ass.

Girls Who Wear Dresses

I always wanted to be a girl who wears dresses like they're jeans. Not just to appear effortless, but to actually feel like throwing on a dress with cute boots is actually as casual as slipping on jeans and a T-shirt. I suspect that girls who can do this have unlocked a secret to the universe...a tiny secret, maybe, but a secret nonetheless.

Read this

I'm only stopping by to post a link to this Her Bad Mother blog post because it just makes me feel better to know how hard other people think writing is too...

Back soon.

Find One

I'm always thinking of the backstory of things. It's like a compulsion. Maybe it's because I was a journalist, or maybe that's why I liked journalism so much...

Today I was off work with the kids while they're on spring break and we went to the art museum to see the Matisse exhibit and his work is great, but I just kept thinking about the fact that he was compelled to be a painter. He said once he tried it he couldn't think about anything else.

I'm slightly obsessed at the moment with questioning my life choices. There was a shake up at work and I don't know my new boss and it's all just...unsettling. I can make anything work, but every so often I wonder why I'm killing myself to do things I don't love. Are the money and stress worth it? Viewed purely from a financial security angle, yes, they are worth it. Viewed purely from a life is short angle, no, it's all bullshit and I should run and be free.

A friend of mine is determined to focus only on the things she can control. No need to stress over anything else. It's totally logical and nearly impossible.

Which brings me to my soundtrack at the moment. I've never bought one of his albums, but I'm anxiously awaiting the release of this song on iTunes.

There are hundreds of ways to get through the day. Now you just find one.

Just Start Going Now

Hello.

I recently read this Penelope Trunk post where she talks about the research that says "people who skip going to the gym and get mad at themselves about it stop going to the gym. But people who tell themselves it’s okay, just start going now—those people are lifelong gym-goers."

I decided to apply those learnings to my blog. I mean, it's my blog, right? I can stop and start again and it's okay. And maybe I will be a lifelong blogger...in my heart, at least.

It's been so long that I can't exactly pick up where I left off, so I have to just tell you where I am now. I am working a lot. Too much. But in my mind I keep thinking I will figure out how to do a good job without working so much...that equation is made more complicated by now having multiple people reporting to me, which means I have to do an even better job for them, because if there's something I really don't want to be, it's a shitty boss. Even better if I can be a great boss, of course, but at a minimum, please let me not be shitty.

I also don't want to be a shitty mom and sometimes these things feel at odds, but the good news is that I think I want to spend far more time with my kids than they actually want to spend with me. (See now, isn't that a positive spin on the fact that my kids are growing up and are practically men and will eventually leave me and probably hit Ignore when I call them?)

None of this is actually why I'm writing today. Today I am writing because of death. Death has compelled me to get the thoughts out of my head and onto the page.

Death is a thing that's always out there and then it collides with your life and you feel this sense of surprise like, Oh my god! How do people get through this? How did I get through it the last time?

I am days away from the 10th anniversary of my father's death. That is sad, yes. Adding to the tragedy is that in honor of this anniversary, an asshole relative sent me a card, which is more complicated that it sounds, but it's something I consider nothing more than a veiled threat intended to say that he knows where to find me, despite me cutting all contact 10 years ago.

It's a little like having the wound be ripped back open. And it was jarring because I generally feel as though the pain of his death has faded into something I can safely carry with me. But this reminded me how unfair it truly is that we are forced to live without certain people, while others are allowed to continue living and inflicting pain on others.

So then yesterday my coworker experienced a sudden and tragic loss. The kind that doesn't seem real. I am shaken, and I am two degrees removed, so my heart breaks for what she must be feeling. And there's nothing you can really DO. I know it will get easier, but that won't comfort her now.

It puts me into that frame of mind where I just start rolling all the death and injustice in the world together into a massive ball of tragedy and it feels like that ball will just crush all of us. How is it not just crushing all of us?

But then you watch something like this video below and it's like a single daisy sprouting through the scorched earth. And I'll take it. Because it's beautiful.