Winter Blues and Banana Bread

We're in my least favorite part of winter. The part where the holidays are all over, the shiny newness of the new year has worn off, and the spring is still so, so far away.

This time of year makes the perfect scenario for weight gain, as all I want to do is curl up under a blanket and drink wine, or, if I'm feeling really ambitious, put on my slippers and bake something...and then probably crawl back under the blanket to eat it.

This year is a little different because I'm so scared to go back to my regular way of eating, for fear that I will also return to my bloated, puffy self who wants to lose 10 lbs., rather than 6 (mentally, there's a big difference). In fact, I didn't reintroduce gluten until tonight at dinner, with spaghetti. (And, honestly I do feel that familiar puffiness returning after eating that pasta.)

Yep, I've been living gluten free totally of my own volition in the 6 days since the cleanse was over! I actually didn't even have any alcohol until this weekend either, so there's definitely been a shift in the way my brain is thinking about food (and drink) - I think maybe, just maybe, I'm learning to value how I feel over what tastes good in the moment.

The thing is, I'm not going to say "never" to any food - not only does that make eating out really hard, but it's just not fun - but I can learn to eat LESS of the stuff that makes me feel gross. If it turns out, for example, that chocolate mousse makes me feel like dying, then I guess I'd try to avoid it under normal circumstances, but if I were to find myself at, say, a fancy dessert tasting in New York and the waiter was to bring me chocolate mousse, well...I'd probably accept that I was going to feel like shit for a little while and decide it was worth it. And it probably would be.

However, I'm not willing to accept that I have to live without baked goods if my body turns out to hate gluten, which brings me to my Smart and Good recipe of the week, which I found comforting and perfect for this arctic, depressing weather.

Gluten-Free Banana Bread (recipe adapted from Betty Crocker)
1 1/4 cups maple sugar (you can get it at Whole Foods)
1 stick butter - softened
2 large eggs
3-4 mashed ripe bananas
1/2 cup milk
1 tsp vanilla
2 1/2 cups gluten-free flour
1 1/2 tsp xantham gum
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 cup chopped nuts (optional)

1. Preheat oven to 350
2. Spray loaf pan with gluten-free baking spray
3. Use mixer to combine butter and sugar. Add eggs and mix until combined. Add bananas, milk, and vanilla. Beat until smooth.
4. Add dry ingredients and stir just until moistened.
5. Pour batter into pan and bake for 60-75 minutes, or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.

I recommend eating a warm slice with coconut butter. Yum!

Eat. Play. Change Tires.

We now return to our regularly scheduled neuroses.

In order to get caught up on my 40 by 40 list, I'm trying to do seven of the items in the next 19 weeks (before I turn 36):

#2 Bake a pie from scratch

#6 Learn to play guitar

#24 Learn to play poker

#34 Read Don Quixote

#35 Write each one of my friends a letter saying what they mean to me

#36 Eat at Per Se

#38 Learn to change a tire

Now, when I say "trying," I mean that I've chosen these things and I'm working on one of them currently. I started guitar lessons last Tuesday! I never really bothered to think about what I meant by "learn to play guitar" so I'm not really sure how much I have to learn before I can consider it done...I'm thinking that if I can learn to play and sing a song all at once, I'll feel like I accomplished something. 

That might sound easy, but I've taken guitar lessons in three separate periods of my life and I have never successfully played a song while singing. I don't actually think I've ever played a whole song. I love the idea of playing guitar, but I hate practicing. I also used to hate staying home on Saturday nights and running, though, so really anything is possible. 

Ok, so you're reading that list and thinking, "Wow! Those are pretty boring." And maybe you're right, but when you're playing catch-up, you have to go for the low-hanging fruit. Plus, they're totally NOT boring (to me, anyway) because they're all things I want to do...or learn to do. Honestly I don't really ever want to have to change a tire, but not knowing how makes me feel like a weak girl and we can't have that.

I'm going to state for the record that I'm having internal debate about #36. The thing is, I am going to Per Se in April with my BFF on my previously-mentioned foodie trip to NYC. Yes, I'm going to Per Se!!! (If Thomas Keller alone doesn't make you excited about Per Se, I suggest you read "Service Included" to understand what makes it special.)

I am going to Per Se to eat the new Dessert Tasting Menu that's served in the Salon (aka, the bar). I may need to shoot a video to remember the experience, as I will likely be using all of my brainpower not to shout with glee after every bite. But as thrilled as I am, I won't be getting the real Per Se experience because I won't be eating in the dining room. And I don't know if I can cross it off my list and feel like I really ate there, if I haven't eaten in the dining room. (Read the book and you'll understand.) 

I've decided to go eat the dessert and then decide if it feels cross-off-worthy. I suspect that the experience will make me want to go back and eat in the dining room even more than I already do. (And if you're wondering why I'm not just going to eat in the dining room on this trip, I'll point out that the Chef's Tasting menu is $295 per person before wine...it would consume practically my entire trip budget...plus, I kind of have it my head that my husband and I will eat there on a special occasion.)

As for the other items on my list, they should all be doable. I just have to do them. A couple friends have offered to teach me both poker and tire changing...sounds like I should probably start planning a poker/tire changing party with homemade pie. A Pie Tire Poker Party! Dress code is circle.

(P.S. The cleanse is over in less than 5 hours! Hooray for the return of lattes and cake!)

I Feel Good

You'll probably be happy to know that my cleanse is coming to an end tomorrow. It hasn't been easy and a lot of it hasn't been fun, but a funny (yet predictable) thing has happened: I don't want to binge on sugar and gluten and dairy anymore.

Here are the key things I've learned:

• Paying to be on a cleanse instills much more accountability than trying to do it on your own for "free". (Signing up with a friend is even better!)
• Sugar is in virtually everything and we're all addicted (and my kids eat WAY too much sugar).
• It's possible to cook amazing food that doesn't contain dairy, sugar or gluten. 
• Shopping at Whole Foods will easily double your grocery spend (this is a problem).
• This is the best way to lose weight without exercise that I've found (I've lost 4 pounds - if I lost 6 more, I'd be at my goal weight...also, yes, you should exercise).
• Vegan food tastes better once you've deprived your body of refined sugar and dairy for a week or so.
• Cooking with whole foods takes a lot more time than cooking with packaged foods (at least when you're first learning, it does).
• There are a lot of alternatives to gluten, dairy and refined sugar if you're willing to do the work and spend the money (see above)

As always, it's good to try new things and I'm glad I did this. I'm actually excited about learning to bake with less gluten and sugar. (Or not bake, as in the case of these awesome Coconut Snowballs I made today.)

It's bittersweet, I suppose. I feel great. I'm really grateful that I've learned another way to eat. I got some really great recipes and my jeans fit better. But...I'm worried I will never fully enjoy dessert again. I'm worried that I won't ever be able to drink another glass of red wine without thinking about it's sugar content. I'm worried that food is going to feel daunting and dangerous rather than fun. I'm sure all of this will wear off as I get farther away from eating such a strict diet, but that's what I'm feeling at the moment.

But, enough with fake problems, this should all be a happy thing! In one more day I will have done yet another thing I never thought I could do: 15 days without a Starbucks fancy drink! (but I did have coffee) 15 days without dessert! 15 days without chocolate! 15 days without baked goods! I did it! Yay me! And if any of you are inspired enough to try this thing out for yourself, there's another round starting in February!

As a way of ensuring that I don't totally abandon this newfound perspective once I finally get a taste of some sweet, sweet chocolate and wine, I'm pledging to post what we'll call a "Smart and Good" recipe every week. I'm not promising they'll all be totally gluten/sugar/dairy free, but they will probably be at least one or two of those things and they won't have refined sugar in them, because honestly, I'm throwing that shit out.

The Agony and the Irony, They're Killing Me

I'm bored with my blog, I said to my husband yesterday. Not bored with the blog itself. Bored with what I'm writing on it. (Translation: Bored with myself.)

His response was that all I've been focused on is this cleanse, which I interpreted as a very polite way of saying, Your life has been boring lately.

This reminded me: If you're bored, then you're boring.

This line likely originated with some wise grandmother or philosopher, but it's also a line from one of my most favorite-but-oft-forgotten songs, "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger. It is not a coincidence that this song was big during one of my most beloved periods in my life, when I was working at the college newspaper writing record reviews and interviewing bands every week.


So I just put this song on and made my Banana Carrot Muffins and it made me so happy and I suddenly felt less bored and boring. Music is magic!

And with that, let me tell you three exciting things I'm working on at the moment but have neglected to mention because I've been consumed by this cleanse:

1. Celebrity chef restaurant trip to NYC with my BFF in April. We scored insanely cheap airfare through a deal American Airlines was running last month. The itinerary is in the works. There's definitely a tension between choosing the younger TV chefs vs. the foundational culinary legends. Really it's just that we only have 3 days and you can't eat everything in 3 days. Also, I'm searching for a hotel deal that will allow us to allocate more budget toward to eating.

2. Trip to Vegas with our BFF couple (omg, every couple needs a BFF couple!) in May. I get to Vegas every year, but we take this trip with our friends every few years, or as often as we can both make it work. I pretty much love Vegas no matter what, but being there with friends who seem to like nearly all the same things as you is pretty awesome. In this case, we got a killer deal on a hotel, so now I'm watching for a deal on airfare...kind of an important component of the trip.

3. Family trip to NYC in August! Yes, two trips to NYC in just a few months, all thanks to that insanely cheap AA deal. My family of 4 is flying roundtrip to NYC for less than $600!!! It's like it's 1998 again. Crazy town. We'll be on the East Coast for a week, so we're thinking we'll take the train to Boston for a few days and partake in some historic things. Again, I'm scouting for hotel deals, although I'm a lot more picky when I'm traveling with the boys so I'll probably end up spending more.

Ok, so when I think about all that I'm no longer bored. Plus, there are the 7 things I'm supposed to be crossing off my 40 by 40 list. Too bad "Give up everything you like to eat for 15 days" wasn't on the list. I guess I've got some doing to do.

I Get Knocked Down...

I was going to tell you how great the cleanse is going. How I'm feeling better, sleeping better, how the crappy withdrawal part passed in just a couple days, but then, this morning, I accidentally ingested sugar and it gave me a headache and I feel like crap again.

Seriously, i was doing SO well! My husband and I had a date last night! A DATE planned on a Friday evening! (Well, half a date at least - we had to get the kids by 8 pm). We went to Rare Steak & Sushi because we had a LivingSocial deal that expires in a few days. I was a rockstar (cleanse-wise). I stuck to sashimi and asked for tamari in place of soy sauce (it's gluten-free!). I didn't even give into the overwhelming temptation of a martini...even though it happened to still be happy hour when we got there. Not drinking a martini while out on a date having sushi was the hardest part of this whole cleanse. I'll admit, however, that I ate an olive out of my husband's martini.

(Side note: I will go back to Rare because it's owned by Lifetime Fitness and, as such, they are trying to offer healthier foods: grass-fed beef, fresh caught seafood, no high-fructose corn syrup, no refined sugar, etc.)

So last night was great! And this morning was great too! My cleanse buddy is also my running buddy (and also my BFF) and since the Twin Cities was recently treated to rain that has now frozen and turned everything into a skating rink, we decided to try out the indoor track at a local high school rather than risking injuries outside. (So resourceful, right?!) So we ran 2.4 miles and then went to Good Earth for breakfast.

Good Earth is pretty cleanse-friendly. VERY gluten-free friendly. And then they told me they had coconut milk and it made me feel like I could order something crazy so I got a chai latte! And, it turns out they don't have coconut milk anymore, so I had to switch to almond milk, but who cares! In my mind, a chai latte was just tea and milk...

I suspected something was amiss when that chai latte was the Best. Thing. Ever. It was so amazing. I talked to it. "Thank you, chai latte," I said. "I will always remember you." And I don't even normally care that much about chai. Normally I'm an espresso girl, but tea seemed healthier in this case.

Yeah, ok, so since then, Google has helpfully informed me that chai lattes have sugar. Probably a lot of sugar. Obviously enough to make me giddy, then lethargic, and then give me a headache. Boo. It just goes to show how wonderful and evil sugar can be...which brings me to this question: Is there an antidote to sugar? Like, a way to counteract its effects if you realize you've gone too far? I might need that once this cleanse is over because if that chai latte tasted that amazing, just imagine what actual dessert might taste like...and then feel like later.

But until then, onward with the cleanse. Chumbawamba style.

Holy Date Balls

Greetings from day 2 of being gluten-, sugar-, dairy-, white food-, and alcohol-free. It turns out that I did not have to give up caffeine entirely! I am allowed one precious (small) cup of coffee per day...with coconut milk and without any sugar.

I am going through gluten withdrawal. I thought it was sugar withdrawal, but the experts say it's the gluten. I feel half hungover and half asleep...and slightly like I have the flu (which I'm hoping is not the case, as it has been going around my house). I felt fine yesterday, but this morning it hit me hard. It's pretty crazy that one day without it can have such a big effect. (Yes, yes, I know, this is what all of this is supposed to teach me...I am learning.)

I feel like I did the night before I had sinus surgery, when I couldn't eat or drink anything and I was terrified that I would absent-mindedly just start eating. I haven't been tempted to cheat, but I'm worried I'll just forget what I'm doing and reach for one of the twenty bazillion candy dishes around my office.

So yeah, this is not the fun part of the cleanse. However, I believe the fun part is coming. The part where I feel amazing and maybe lose some weight. I just have to make it through the next 2 or 3 days...please don't let it be any more than that.

On the bright side, I've been cooking lots of new stuff! Kale chips, protein bars, black bean soup, chicken quinoa green olive stew...all of which have been really, really good. Oh yes, and the date balls (pretty much dates, honey, nuts and coconut flakes in a food processor), which I had a lot of doubt about, but which have turned out to be a friend indeed.

Oh god, I'm eating date balls and liking it. What if when I emerge from this, I can never truly enjoy dessert again? What if when I see a salted caramel crepe, all I can think is how much sugar and gluten it contains?

I suppose that's a problem to consider in 14 days...right now I'm focused on making it to bed without accidentally shoving a truffle in my mouth. Stupid after Christmas clearance.

Impending Doom, or How I Unwittingly Agreed to Stop Eating Dessert

You guys, I think I'm about to do something stupid. Sure, sure it's good for me, but I can't help wondering if the "good for me" card isn't sometimes trumped by the reality card.

I'm starting a diet detox/cleanse thing on Monday. It's 15 days long. I signed up back before Christmas because I knew I'd want to do something healthy to kick off the new year. And because I really want to lose 10 lbs. and because I'm going to need to wear a swimsuit in 127 days (but who's counting?) when we go to Las Vegas.

I didn't realize when I signed up that it was so drastic. I thought I'd reduce the bad stuff but not give it all up. For real, I have to give up everything: dairy, gluten, soy, caffeine, alcohol and sugar! ALL sugar...except for fruit and we all know that doesn't really count.

ME! Giving up sugar! And Starbucks! Is it smart or even reasonable for a sugar enthusiast and caffeine addict such as myself to take such drastic measures? What if I am healthier but slip into a deep depression from lack of coffee and dessert joy?

I realize of course that the fine ladies leading this cleanse (my stepsister being one of them) would say I'm the perfect candidate for this cleanse because I'm so hooked on all bad stuff. I know they would tell me that I'm going to feel a new kind of joy when I see how I feel without sugar, etc. and I actually do believe them...even though this conversation is hypothetical. I know that I like things that are not always good for me and I know these things counteract my efforts to be healthier and yet...

Is life really worth living if you can't eat dessert?

Ok, I know it's only 15 days. I'm just having a temper tantrum and thinking of all the reasons why I should quit before I even start. Buying all these crazy healthy groceries will be expensive. I'm going to have to cook entirely separate meals from my family. I can't eat out, except I have a date with my husband next Friday at a sushi place, so I'll basically have to eat sashimi without soy sauce OR a martini. And we can't reschedule because it's a Living Social deal that's about the expire and I can't also give up my love of a good deal!

Sigh. I know these are not real problems. It's time for an attitude adjustment.
I can do this! This morning I ran 2 miles in 12 degree weather! I survived premature babies and my father's death and my stepson's nightmare of an adolescence. Sugar will not be the thing that takes me down!

Now excuse me while I go binge on coffee, cheese, chocolate and beer. Monday is still a good 30+ hours away.

The List

Are you wondering what that 40 by 40 list over there to the right is all about? (You probably can't see it if you're reading this on a mobile interface...sorry, it's the way the layout works and I don't know enough about coding to change it - try viewing the Desktop Version!)

I wrote this list the night before my 32nd birthday. I got the idea from writer/blogger Patti Digh, who wrote a 50@50 list several years ago to document 50 things she wanted to learn the year she turned 50. My list is 40 things I want to do by my 40th birthday, which means I gave myself 8 years...you could argue that I was slightly less ambitious than Patti, but lots of my items are also pretty big.

Accomplishing #1 on the list back in 2011

I'm supposed to accomplish 5 things each year if I want to stay on track. I've done okay. As you can see, I've crossed 13 things off the list and it's been 3.5 years. But some of them were hard things, like "Run a 5K," which I honestly didn't think I'd be able to do since, back when I made the list, I couldn't even push through a single mile. Now I can run 2 miles easily and 3 without falling apart. And I've run two 5Ks and a 7K!

I slacked a little over the last year. However, I fully intend to catch up before my next birthday, which means I've got 153 days to do 7 things. We'll see how it goes.

Even though it's my list and I can do what I want (imagine me stomping my foot while I said that), I feel I must admit to you, blogosphere, that when I posted the list here, I updated it. I didn't remove anything on the basis that it was too hard. I just wasn't interested in doing all of the things I originally thought I wanted to do. I'm hoping this list will last me for the next 4.5 years.

The new additions are:
#7 Write a rough draft of my book
#18 Be debt free (excluding mortgage)
#21 Win a contest
#24 Learn how to play poker
#34 Read Don Quixote
#37 Visit the Grand Canyon
#39 Cook a lobster

I can assure you that #7 and #18 will not be accomplished until the end. In fact, I'm not totally sure we can pay off my husband's student loans in the next 4.5 years, but if it comes down to it and my mortgage and student loans are all the debt that's left, I'll be pretty happy.

I'd like to capture the stories of the 13 items I already accomplished here as well, but I'm feeling a bit bogged down by backstory (are you bored? I'm getting bored), so I'll just have to intersperse those stories here and there, like the grandma of the blog saying, "Did I ever tell you about the time...?"

In the meantime, I'll be plotting out my next 7 things I have to do, while simultaneously keeping my New Year's resolutions to drink less Starbucks, spend less money and eat better. Like I said, we'll see how it goes.