The Rebound, and Wishing on a Star

I tried to avoid the relationship analogy for my layoff at first because I didn't like the idea that I was "married" to my job, but the longer it's been, the more apropos that analogy seems.

So yes, my job suddenly left me. Everyone said enjoy your freedom! But I could not, because it was too scary not to have a job and it was too scary not to know what I wanted to do next. So when this other job came along, just three weeks into my breakup, I was relieved. I knew it was too soon, but I was wooed by the promise of income and feeling needed. Plus, it was a contract gig - nothing serious.

And we can all see where this is going...that was my rebound. I'd like to say it was fun while it lasted, but...instead, let's just say that it was different. It got my brain focusing on something other that resumes and job postings and excel spreadsheets that calculate how long we could stretch my severance in a worst case scenario, slightly-less than worst case, and on and on. But I've given my notice. It's time to say goodbye and stop considering jobs that I know won't challenge me in the right ways. You see, I stopped myself from saying "jobs that I know won't make me happy" because I don't know if that's the right bar.

I don't work to be happy. I work to support my family and complete my 40 by 40 list. I work because I like to use my brain and yes, because I even like being part of team...once I get to know my teammates.

None of that is to say I can't find a job that I like. A job where I want to stay and become an expert and where I like my coworkers. That is an achievable goal. But I won't get there if I keep ignoring my Jiminy Cricket voice that tells me right away when something isn't right for me. I'm choosing to stop allowing "make money" to trump that voice, because that voice knows me best.

So, Jiminy Cricket and I are now jumping headfirst into finding Mr. Right Job. Because as Jiminy says, "If you don't have a dream, how can you have a dream come true?"

Let's hope one of us remembers how to date.

Going North: #13 and 20!

If you ever want to make yourself NOT blog, just promise that you'll blog more often. Seriously. I told myself that I would blog at least twice a week as a way to feel semi-productive while laid off and...that was 6 weeks ago.

I'm off the hook for ONE of those weeks though because I was out crossing things off my 40 by 40 list!!

The first week of the month, my family took an Alaskan cruise, thus fulfilling both #13 and #20 on my list! I was nervous about the whole cruising thing, but it was amazing. Amazing! I highly recommended an Alaskan cruise...and a helicopter ride over the glaciers...and dog sledding on a glacier. Had I know such experiences existed when I made my list, I surely would have gone beyond "seeing" the glaciers to "flying over and landing and dog sledding on a glacier" but as it stands, these things were all just a magical bonus to the whole Alaska experience.

You can learn more about our particular mush team here.

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I think we, as people, generally accept that Alaska is "beautiful" in a faraway, conceptual sort of way. But seriously, it's beautiful. And glaciers are fucking amazing. 

They are blue! For real, blue! Just like the ocean! Isn't that cool? Like, yes, that's obvious and yet, wow, I never realized that at all.

And the cruise! Since I was little, I dreamt of having a magic machine that let me travel while I slept...well, it turns out they call those cruise ships. At no point did I stop being amazed by waking up to find us in port at a new little town.

I could write a whole post about the experience on the ship, but not today. Let's just say it was great. That's two more awesome life experiences thanks to my list. Thank you, list.

As for my real life, well, I'm still laid off...as in, I have not yet found permanent employment, but I did take a contract gig. It successfully quelled my fears about money (temporarily) but in retrospect was probably a bad choice so soon. I really still need to get my shit together for my job hunting. It can't be something I do in my spare time...not if I want to find something I actually want to do. So yeah, I have to figure that one out...better yet, I'd like to figure out how to live on a cruise ship and never work again, like this lady...minus the whole being alone part. Surely someone would pay me to blog from my life on a cruise ship...

#24: An ace that I can keep

I want to take a minute to acknowledge that while "The Gambler" is a critical piece of the American lexicon, that video is boring.  (But press play anyway and you'll have a nice soundtrack for the rest of this post.) You see, I don't have any photos to accompany the following announcement, so Kenny will have to do...

I have accomplished #24 on my 40 by 40 list! I have learned to play poker, as measured by the fact that last night I went to a poker room and actually played poker without making a total fool of myself.

First, I discovered that Mystic Lake (aka, the only nearby casino with slots) no longer offers poker, so after playing some slots, we headed down the road to Canterbury...home of my next hobby (as soon as I have an income again), horse racing. They have a card room, which I had never partaken in before, but, with my husband's encouragement, I marched up to the lady at the desk, said "I want to play hold 'em," and procured a spot at a table.

This table was playing 2/4 Hold 'Em. Since the extent of my experience so far had been playing with my husband and kids, I had no idea what the "2/4" meant, but it was the table with an open spot, so I sat down anyway. This was a 10 person table. No one but the dealer even acknowledged me, which was fine...I of course threw my cash on the table and had to be told to wait until the next hand. (Oh yes, yes of course...)

So they set a giant stack of $1 chips in front of me and I try to figure out what's going on. My at-home play had taught me the basics - as in, I knew what a good hand looked like, but playing with actual poker players is a little different than playing with your kids. The first few hands happened so fast with raises and folds that no one was showing their cards. The woman sitting next to me was knitting and barely seemed to be glancing at any of the cards, yet was winning some of the hands. The dealer was turning over 5 cards, not the 3 we had been practicing with. What is going on?!

I panicked and almost gave up. My husband, who wasn't playing, but was perched behind me, whispered "You're okay." I gritted my teeth and committed.

Slowly, I calmed down. It started making sense. I realized everyone in a poker is a liar. Obviously I knew bluffing was a big part of the game, but I hadn't realized it was most of the game.

I missed a chance to win with a pair of Jacks  - I folded and the dude only had a pair of 3s. We hadn't practiced a lot of bluffing at home. But I kept going. I gave back the bad cards without wasting a bet. I didn't fold every time someone raised, even if I was pretty sure I had nothing. And I won a hand!

Sadly I did not discover that I am a gifted poker player, ready to hit the professional circuit. I lost $70. But I learned a lot. And I was brave. And I accomplished something!

And I'd still take slots over poker any day.

On a (lobster) roll!

Today is my two week layoffiversary and what better way to celebrate than by crossing #39 off the 40 by 40 list: Cook a lobster.

By the way, I didn't wake up counting the days since I'd been laid off, I remembered it when the dental hygienist innocently asked me about work. Still, once I realized it, I enjoyed my midday, sunshiney walk around the lake with a friend just a little bit more. Add in my husband getting the night off from work, and it was time to cook some lobsters!

Maybe the way I worded this one is confusing because I think I really wanted to experience killing a live lobster, not just cooking any old lobster. In retrospect, I guess that's sort of morbid, but it seemed like an experience anyone who likes to cook should have. Just like the pie, I wanted to know that I could do it.

So we located the nearest grocer selling live lobsters and watched as our two were fished out of tank and put in a bag...then we watched that bag wriggle around all the way home.

This recipe in Bon Appetit was my catalyst for deciding that this was the month the lobster would be cooked, and the printed magazine also included a handy dandy guide to killing a lobster, which is where I learned the tip to put them in the freezer for 15 minutes to anesthetize them first. (Truth be told, they didn't seem all that sleepy after even 20 minutes in the freezer, but in my mind they had fewer feelings that way...)

I'm sorry, lobster. I'm going to slice you in half now.

If you've never held a live lobster, you might not realize that they're kind of gross. Like giant insects with claws...giant, wet insects with claws. But I gritted my teeth, and followed the instructions. This recipe was for grilling the lobster, so I had to hold the squirmy things down and cut them in half...alive. Which seemed better than hearing them scream in the boiling pot of water, right up until I was actually plunging the knife into them.

Pleasant is not a word I would use to describe that experience. They wiggled around the entire time. Also, lobster shells are very tough and I had to have my husband help me get the knife all the way through. And they were still twitching even after they were completely cut in half.

Then, I got the things open and had to scrape out the tomalley and eggs...

Sweet dreams are not made of this.

Are you horrified yet? No? How about if I told you that they were still twitching when I put them on the grill? Shudder.

But now comes the more glamorous part.

Gorgeous, right?!

This is why you pay the big bucks to eat lobster in restaurants...you want to get on the lobster bus right about here.

The grilling was simple. 6 minutes meat side down, flip, 3 minutes, done. And then we got...

Ta-da! I'm amazing!

So we ate like kings. Well, we ate the two lobsters. (I think you probably should buy one lobster per person...file that away for your next lobster party.)

Traumatic killing experience aside, it was fucking delicious. And I'm proud of myself. Goodbye, #39! You've taught me that unless I am trapped on lobster island, where live lobsters are my only food source, I can happily go through the rest of my life without doing that again!

I baked a pie!

In the spirit of being productive even when you don't have any work, I've crossed another item off my 40 by 40 list!  

Last night I completed #2: Bake a pie from scratch. I realize this might not seem like much a feat, but it wasn't on the list because it was hard, it was on the list because it was something I'd never done and wanted to do. 

It was just a coincidence that I made the pie the same day that gay marriage was legalized in all 50 states, but I dedicated it to celebrating that amazing milestone anyway...and so I pronounce the following to be: The Equality is Sweet as Caramel and American as Apple Pie.

As I'm prone to do, I overcomplicated the whole thing by using one recipe for the crust and another for the filling...and then I improvised by pouring caramel over the apples before putting on the top crust and baking. 

And through the magic of baking, I turned this...

Into THIS!

It isn't perfect, of course. The filling to crust ratio is off and I accidentally put 1 Tbsp of salt into the crust rather than 1 tsp, but luckily, the caramel kind of balanced it out, so it tasted like a salted caramel apple pie.

Easy as pie is a real dumb idiom, because cake is way easier, BUT I'm calling #2 a success!

I'm in no way convinced that this was better than buying a pie, but I'm still glad I did it just because a person should know they can bake a pie. Words to live by.

#3, or Everything is better on a fuzzy purple couch

On June 12, I accomplished #3 on my 40 by 40 list...the Menu Degustation at Joel Robuchon in Las Vegas.

From Wikipedia:

1. Degustation is a culinary term meaning a careful, appreciative tasting of various foods and focusing on the gustatory system, the senses, high culinary art and good company. Dégustation is more likely to involve sampling small portions of all of a chef's signature dishes in one sitting.

They used to call this a 16-course tasting menu...now it's technically 9 courses with 17 plates, plus a candy cart...so really, if you count the candy cart, the bread cart the amuse bouche, you're talking about 20 plates.

Eating all of that food was intimidating to me. Without going into detail, let's just say that I've tried many tasting menus and 9 plates is the furthest I've ever made it before needing to rearrange my stomach contents.

This time I was determined to make it the end, so I read up on competitive eater training regimens. I don't have all that much willpower, so although I didn't follow the eating plan to a T, I did eat a giant meal 24 hours before the dinner to stretch my stomach out. My friends all think I'm crazy, but that's how much this meant to me.

Spoiler alert! I successfully tried every plate (except the bread) and my stomach participated happily. It's worth noting that I also limited my beverage consumption during the meal to a single glass of champagne. This definitely helped.

Ok, so let me just mention that the place is gorgeous and it's purple and I want my dining room to look like that.

But you want to see the food, right?

The famed bread cart. I did not partake, but my companions all did and raved. There was bacon bread.

Amuse bouche - all I can tell you is that it's quinoa and red pepper sauce and tasted better than those things sound.

Le Caviar - that's king crab under there and a seafood gelee. 

1er Service - (clockwise from bottom left) L'Asperge Verte, green asparagus with coriander guacamole and medley of vegetables; La Tomate, tomato candies invigorated with lemon virgin olive oil; Le Homard, Maine lobster in a thinly sliced daikon with sweet and sour dressing.

2eme Service - On the right is L'Oeuf de Poule. This was served with a fancy smoker dome over the top of the egg..the perfect soft-boiled egg. On the left is La Cuisse de Grenouille - frog leg fritters. Seriously good.

3eme Service - (from top left) La Langoustine, truffled langoustine ravioli with simmered green cabbage; Le Petit Pois, green pea and almond velouté, scallion jam and fresh mint; L'Oursin, uni atop of fennel purée with potatoes and citrus jus

4eme Service - (from top left) Le Black Cod, carmelized black cod in Malabar pepper sauce with mini bok choy (You have never tasted cod like this! Amazing!); La Langouste, spiny lobster grilled with a green curry jus and fresh coriander; Le Foie Gras de Canard, seared foie gras with sweet and sour cherries and fresh almonds. (See how cute it is with the carrot through the foie gras? That's a tomato and a rosemary sprig!) This was my favorite savory course.

Le Plat "Tradition" - L'Epaule d'Agneau, braised and roasted shoulder of lamb with southern flavors. The lamb was impressive, yes, but those potatoes sitting over there are the famous Joel Robuchon potatoes. They are like heaven and velvet and air and love.

Finally, dessert! The one on the left was their substitution because I'm allergic to raspberries. It tasted a lot like grass...fancy grass. The middle is Le Citron, buttermilk cream and lemon sorbet - refreshing and light and delicious. And on the right is the tiniest ode to strawberries and rhubarb. Also delicious.

This was my favorite! Just look at it! Every plate appeared to be custom for the course, but how precious is this?! It's a flower box! But it's really Le Chocolat Illanka! Imagine a log of chocolate mousse with jasmine cream, pomegranate gelee and edible flowers. It was almost too cute to eat, but eat it, I did.

And finally, Escortes de mignardies...or candy cart for the less civilized. 40+ tiny delicacies that they make in-house. They tell you what everything is and then you must choose. They cut me off at four. I'd never had a coconut eclair before. The whole thing was just as over-the-top as it should be. 

And believe it or not, we were all conscious and able to walk out of there, with our gift bag of lemon pound cake and souvenir menus. How great is that?!

If I eventually compile a top 5 list of things I'm so grateful I put on the 40 by 40 list, this will be on it. It was amazing. Not just the food, but the experience...the everything. I am smitten. Thank you, Joel Robuchon.

One Week

Poof! A week has passed. It's so weird how quickly that can happen.

I did not sulk today. I started the day with two promising connections thanks to my network that helps me even when I say I don't know what I want help with...and I felt even better about those connections because my resume got a makeover and is now a much better reflection of me. (If you don't possess visual design skills, I recommended marrying someone who does.)

I took my boys and our dog for a walk around the lake, followed by cheeseburgers and ice cream in the sun, and I got a little sunburn, and it made me so, so, so grateful for this time and for this life.

I still can't seem to sleep through the night, so visceral is the fear of not being able to provide for my family, it wakes my body before my brain even knows what's happening, but most of my daylight hours are optimistic, even sometimes enthusiastic, about what I could do next.

I'm still in love with the fantasy of freelancing, but the reality is that I haven't set myself up financially to do that. Building a freelance business takes more time than I have and when I weigh the flexible life of a freelancer against the kind of flexibility that a well-paying job can provide...well, it's almost certain that I will need to go back to work. In an office. And I can live with that. I just hope that I'll have the luxury of being choosy about which office that might be and what work I might be doing.

Ugh, again no funny stories. I guess a week still isn't quite long enough for me to have fully developed a sense of humor about all this. As with everything else, I'm sure I just need to give it time. In the meantime, I am going to write that post about my amazing meal, because I refuse to let the layoff tarnish that experience.

And speaking of 40 by 40, I've made a list of the things I can (mostly) easily do while I've got all this "free" time!

#2 Bake a pie from scratch (I saw this in the June issue of Bon Appetit and took it as a sign)
#24 Learn to play poker (My family has been playing Hold'em, but I'll consider it checked off when I go try it out in a real casino)
#35 Write each one of my friends a letter saying what they mean to me
#38 Learn to change a tire
#39 Cook a lobster (Bon Appetit also sent me a sign on this one)

Those are five things that will make me feel accomplished! I'm committing to get all of them checked off in the next month.

Let's hear it for having personal goals that have nothing to do with the way you happen to make a living!