Blank

It's been 4 days now. I'm feeling something bordering on excitement that I don't have to go to work tomorrow. Mondays are virtually meaningless for the time being...that's a perq of unemployment.

I'm clearly still spinning because although I've started manically reading job postings, I vacillate between wanting to do something in the same vein of what I was doing and doing something totally different. Do I want to be a freelance writer? Get my travel agent certification? Be an astronaut?

Did you know there's a job at a certain cake company called "Froster"? You literally frost cakes all day. If it weren't for needing to maintain a certain monthly income, I would have sent my resume in for that too, because hello, I could rock that job and I bet the application process is quite straightforward.

I'm surprised to say that I have not yet had a day where I just laid in bed. A week ago, I would have told you that having an excuse to collapse into a pile of mush and stare at the TV for 24 hours was my dream...now I don't really want to. Granted, I know that day may be on the horizon, and if it arrives, I will succumb...for a day...but at the moment I'm kind of distracted by figuring out wtf I'm going to do.

I'd like to insert a funny story or epiphany that I've had since being laid off, but I'm still suffering from a sort of blankness. Like my gears have to start turning in the opposite direction and they can't quite make that first rotation.

I will say that if I was keeping track of signs from the universe, the fact that I got Game Show Network back mere days before being laid off is comforting. Like the universe is saying, There, there. Match Game will heal you.

I don't know. I'm supposed to be giving myself time. I'm not sure what to do with that. Here's hoping my first full week of liberation offers something in the way of peace or clarity.

53 Hours Ago...

I was laid off.

When last we spoke I was preparing for my Vegas trip and my dream meal. I intended to come back here to post all the photos of the meal (#3 on my 40 by 40). I'm still going to do that (it was amazing)...it's just that I got derailed by the news that my job was eliminated on Wednesday. Like...53 hours ago.

I'm still in shock, which I hate because logically I knew this was a possibility. We all knew cuts were coming and I knew I could be at risk, but I also knew I was doing good work and I guess I let myself temporarily suspend my cynicism since the scenario in which I still had a job was a lot easier to swallow than the alternative.

Yet I feel like I knew it was coming. That incredible meal felt like the apex of something. Like things might never be this way again. And even that morning...54 hours ago...the Starbucks barista who comically never acknowledges that we've ever seen each other before despite the fact that I had been there almost daily for 2+ years...well, she noticed that my hair was different. The universe was trying to give me a heads up.

I get it, universe. I need to find a less soul-crushing way to make a living. For real this time.

I've been trying to find words for it. For what I feel. I'm surprisingly empty. I cried a lot on Wednesday, but even as the tears were flowing, I was telling myself that I wasn't sad about not working there. I wasn't sad that I didn't have to try to make sense of a totally fucked up environment.

I was sad to leave my team. My team that I fought for and truly care about. I was sad to have my last two and a half years of effort thanked with an incredibly unceremonious slam of the door. (P.S. Fuck you.)

I'm mad that I let myself care so much. I'm mad that I let myself believe I could make a difference in an institution so blatantly uninterested in being better. More profitable? Sure. But better? No thank you. Not if it means something would really have to change.

But I don't really want to be sad or mad about it. What I'm waiting for is the physical realization that all of that is behind me now. The wave of relief washing over me, reminding me that that's never who I really was, nor aspired to be. A sense of humor about how truly fucked up it really is. Excitement that this is my chance to do something else. Something better.

I'm not there yet, but I know I'm inching closer. Here's hoping it comes in the next 53 hours.

38 and 12

I am officially 38. And I have 12 year olds. Having concurrent birthdays really makes the whole passage of time thing feel like a hammer smashing down on your illusion of youth. But, we're all healthy and happy and life is good, so what does it matter how old we are?

Well, it does matter in the sense that I now also officially have less than 2 years left to complete my 40 by 40 list. I've got numbers 3, 13 and 20 all cued up, so that's good. But somehow I still have 18 things left!! Yikes.

In honor of my birthday - and as a distraction from thinking about the fact that my babies are 12 - I thought I should make a plan for which items I'm going to check off the list in the next 12 months....

Ok, so already planned:

#3 - Eat Joel Robuchon's 16-course tasting menu in Las Vegas - this is BOOKED for one week from today!!!!!

#13 See the glaciers in Alaska - this is BOOKED for August!

#20 Take a cruise - we are cruising to #13!

What else can I feasibly take on in the next 12 months?

#2 Bake a pie from scratch - yes, I can do this. It should be relatively easy now that I'm been to pastry bootcamp.

#17 Get another tattoo - yes, this is going to happen. I know what I want and I just need to have it drawn...and then inked. I can do that this year.

#24 Learn how to play poker - given how much I love the casino, it's stupid that I haven't learned this yet. I can do that this year.

#34 Read Don Quixote - everyone tells me I don't really want to do this, but it seems that I do, so this might as well be the year.

#35 Write each one of my friends a letter saying what they mean to me - yes, I can do this. I will do this. I need to start now and work through them over the year.

#38 Learn to change a tire - again, why haven't I just done this? I can do this. This summer even...Even if I never actually have to use this knowledge because I have a cell phone and AAA.

#39. Cook a lobster - sounds like a dinner party! Maybe I should combine this one with #2. Could be fun.

Ok, so that leaves a solid 11 things for my 39th year of life. At some point I will have to decide what qualifies as making exercise part of my life...and I may need to start entering contests. But at least I've got a plan...

Happy Monday

It's Monday. It feels like a Monday.

Maybe I started out a bit melancholy, but I've been a bit flattened by the horrible news today...from our local college student tragically falling off a bridge (I'm saying falling because the alternative is even worse) or the description of that Germanwings pilot using an axe to try to get back into the cockpit to save those 150 people. Everyone just plunging straight down.

If there is anything positive about all that, it's the perspective it gives you on your own boring life. I could have written you a whole diatribe about the uncertainty I feel about my current work situation, but what does it really matter? I am standing with my feet on the ground. I'm not sick or hungry. I'm not going to complain about it today.

What I am going to do is acknowledge a few things that made me happy today: My husband arrived safely home from a trip. Happy. I inspired someone to make a 50 by 50 list. Happy. My BFF called me for advice because she said she needed to talk to someone smart. Happy. I have kids who laugh at grammar jokes. Happy (and proud).

Also, I have chocolate ice cream and red wine. Neither of which are going to help me lose those 10 lbs I'm after (which would make me happy), but both of which make me very, very happy tonight.

Rebirthing? Relaunching? Remembering my blog.

Funny story: I was re-reading my old blog from 2008 and was crying laughing about 1) all the cute things my boys used to say and do, and 2) how my ability to create pithy prose may have peaked in 2008...when I was suddenly like "I need a new blog!" I actually started trying to think of names for it before realizing, oh yeah, I have a blog...

Sorry, blog.

I've never hit my stride with this blog. It lacks focus. My inner perfectionist (who only comes out in very very specific instances, because normally I'm a mess) wants to delete it all and start over, so I can leave only a focused, thematic telling of my tales. I'm not going to do that...I've at least learned over the years that throwing away things you wrote is a bad idea. I mean, yes, some things are just stupid, but other things just need a little time and space for you to appreciate them again. Plus, if my writing ever gets super focused, you should start to wonder if it's really me writing it.

Ok, so anyway, would you believe me if I said I was recommitting to blogging? Yeah, me either, but I'm going to attempt to prove it to you and me both.

My first challenge will be how to document my children's lives in a way that will not be harmful to them as they get older. Mildly embarrassing is ok...I just won't dive deep into their psyches here. I suppose I should apply the same filter to myself...

#9: The Time I Spent 3 Days Making Croissants

I just spent a week completing #9 on my 40 by 40 list: Do Pastry Boot Camp at the CIA! I returned yesterday and I'm still figuring out what I learned and which parts I loved the most.

I was in New York for a full week (Sunday to Saturday) and it was really weird being away from my husband and kids that long...and also not setting foot into Manhattan. But it was so great to be immersed in learning something that I truly wanted to learn!

The CIA (Culinary Institute of America) is in Hyde Park, NY, which is about 2 hours north of Manhattan. I was lucky enough to have a friend to stay with in Cold Spring (thanks, Maggie & Danny!) so I didn't have to shell out for a hotel, which would have nearly doubled the price of this adventure...and it wasn't a cheap adventure.

The CIA is like Hogwarts for chefs. It's in a former Jesuit monastery. The dining hall is the former chapel. It's all very impressive.

There are kitchens everywhere (these are the classrooms) and the school even has three public-facing restaurants, staffed by students. It's maybe the coolest trade school ever.

So, I was in boot camp with 13 other culinary "enthusiasts" who had come from as close as the neighboring county and as far as South Korea. Crazy. And I was surprised to find another Minnesotan in the group. Small world.

There were lots of older women in the group, which made me feel young, which I especially appreciated because the students at the CIA all look like babies...but I guess that's what 18 year olds look like now. Getting old is such a bitch!

Anyway, it was really amazing to get to spend a week with a real French chef. Our instructor was Chef Gilles Ballay, a Parisian who has been working in pastry for 27 years, including stints under Alain Ducasse and Jean Phillipe. That's legit.

He is very French and very passionate and very good at what he does. I would have gladly spent an entire day just listening to his experiences in pastry, but he liked to talk about the "produce" more than himself.  He made a point of telling us he does not like drama in his kitchen and when he says "catastrophe" he says it as if it ends with an "f"...ca-tas-trof! I love that.

The first thing I learned is that croissants take 3 days to make! And yes, that includes the croissants you get at Starbucks. 3 days! So, yeah, I probably won't be opening up a croissant shop anytime soon. But we did make them. The first day we made the dough, the next day we locked in the butter and rolled and folded until it was time to cut and shape them into things that look like croissants (plain and chocolate!), then the next day we proofed and baked them.

Croissants Day 1 - I made an amazing ball of dough, almost the size of my head.

Croissant Day 2: Locked, rolled and folded. 

Croissants Day 3: Look! They're croissants! All proofed and ready to bake.

Ta-da! Croissants!

They were really, really good. But 3 days? Not unless I was doing it as my job.

We did several different things every day, so it wasn't like we just stared at croissant dough. I also made eclairs, fruit tarts, tiramisu and marshmallow! All were delicious. The only thing that really gave me trouble was tempering chocolate, which was a bummer, but I'm sure I could figure it out if I worked at it. 

In addition to actual technique, I learned that pastry is really time consuming and intricate and that you aren't in charge - your food is. Our chef says pastry should be fun and he's right, you have to love it to do it well. I've got the love...I just need a bit more practice. 

I am SO glad that I did the bootcamp. And I'm glad it was hard and that it required me to put my life on hold for a week. I didn't come back ready to drop everything and open a bakery, but I was reminded of what it's like to spend your days doing things you love rather than things you just have to do and I needed that reminder.

I'm still ruminating on how to use this experience to shape my next steps in life, but I'm definitely better for having done it. Food is amazing! Travel is amazing! School can be amazing! And I am so lucky that I have a life that allows me to experience so many amazing things.

Onward and Upward

Hooray for new years and new beginnings. I love Christmas, but it's always sort of a relief when it's over...even though we in Minnesota descend into the deep, gray freeze of January.

I was going to use a photo of a champagne toast like "Here's to the the new year!" but then I found this one from my birthday, when my team at work surprised me with DQ cupcakes and presented them in the shape of a K and I thought that was such a sweet memory that it made sense to include it in this post.

We celebrated this new year in the desert. It snowed. In the Mojave Desert.

Yes, I'm sure that's happened before, I just don't know what the chances were that it would happen to us. I'm not taking it as a sign of anything other than maybe that there are a lot of strange experiences to be had and you can't plan for all of them.

This event prompted me start thinking about what I've been jokingly referring to as my "Secret 40 by 40 list" - like the secret menu at Starbucks. Basically a list of cool shit that I ended up doing that wasn't on my 40 by 40 list, but I wish they had been.

It's not a super long list, but so far I've got:

1. Experience snow in the desert
2. Sing onstage with Tanya Donelly
3. Audition for Wheel of Fortune
4. Rescue a dog
5. Trade my minivan in for an electric car
6. Meet Matt Lauer and appear on the Today Show (in the crowd)
7. Win a progressive on a slot machine 

That's all been within the last 14 months (if I take the dog off, it's 12), so I'm sure I'm leaving out lots of other interesting experiences, but it's still fun to write it all down. 

Someday I will be old and unable to remember anything, so it's important not only to get out and experience everything, but to document the hell out of it. Life can be really hard, so you have to take the fun/amazing/once-in-a-lifetime moments when they come. 

Here's to a new year full of new experiences!